Bathroom breaks are the best part of the work day: You’re still on the clock and getting paid, but you get to be all alone with your thoughts and your phone. And now some company wants to ruin all that.
A Japanese company called KDDI just created an app that could let your boss know when you’re spending an extra long time in the bathroom.
The app is set up to monitor the stalls in all of the bathrooms in an office building.
People can check to see if stalls are available before they head to the bathroom, which can save them the hassle of getting to the bathroom and finding it’s totally occupied. So that’s good.
But the app can also send an alert to management if one stall has been occupied for too long. And it’s not hard to see how companies could quickly use the data from that alert to figure out which employees are burning the most time on the toilet.
The app is going on sale in Japan starting in March. There’s no word on when it might be available over here.
I don’t typically like to use hyperbole and I won’t use it here; this is the worst thing that could possibly happen to the workforce. There is nothing more sacred than going to the bathroom on the clock. Nothing.
Still one of most shocking conversations that I’ve had since I started at Barstool was with All Business Pete. Pete told me that he hasn’t used the bathroom for number 2 away from his house in 16 years. That’s the most bananas fact I’ve heard. I cannot imagine working and not taking my time on the john while on the clock. It’s better than smoking. You are alone. You can have your phone and fuck around in peace. No one is gonna talk to you. Instead, Pete slaves away in the production office with turtle heads flying everywhere. Barbaric! Let that word resound from hill to hill and from mountain to mountain, valley to valley across this broad land! Not using your work toilets to take longer than needed breaks is barbaric. Barbaric!
If your boss knows that not only you’re in the bathroom but which stall you are in and exactly how long you’ve been in that stall, you might as well just die. You’re dead already. Liberty, it’s been said, is the soul’s right to breathe, and when it cannot take a long breath in the workplace stall, laws are girdled too tight. Without liberty, man is a syncope.
Fuck that app and any workplace that requires it.