Barstool’s Champions League Preview – The "Is Edinson Cavani the G.O.A.T.?" Round of 16 edition
Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies
Hi haters,
My god early December feels like a million years ago. Time flies when you’re having fun, after all, and drags on forever when you’ve got an itch and the only way to scratch is more Champions League. Round of 16 action dead ahead, and time to take a look at what’s on deck. But first a little baby-making music…
***********************
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
‘Member how we got here? Me neither, so here’s a ‘minder:
And here is the totally random draw that was most definitely not rigged in any way shape or form to benefit Barcelona or Real Madrid (waaaaaaaaaait a second, for once it may not have been… not this round anyway):
Some brief thoughts on the matchups:
– Lucky, lucky UCLeicester’s continues… sorta. There are no bad teams left (present company excluded) so there is no such thing as an easy matchup (present company again excluded), but I’d be willing to bet Sevilla would have been near the top of any list of preferred opponents for most clubs.
– Doubt Juve is complaining too much about their draw either as Porto is not looking nearly as quietly dangerous as some seasons. However, the second rule of Champions League (after “When in doubt, bet on the Spanish side”) is “Doubt the Portuguese at your peril”. Wise words to live by.
– Monaco is hot like fire (11-game unbeaten streak) while Jesus just died on a cross (from Sterling) for City’s sins
– Chelsea and Liverpool versus—oh whoops, yep nope, never mind.
– Atletico have been uncharacteristically poor recently (perhaps because Diego Simeone has his eyes on different, shall we say more lucrative jobs? Just sayin…) but they got a bit of good fortune as Bayer midfielder Hakan Calhanoglu was just suspended for the rest of the season on account of a shady Turkish transfer situation back in 2011.
– Ah yes, it’s coming! A tradition unlike any other… aka the one day of the year that makes St. Totteringham’s Day somewhat survivable… aka:
– PSG versus Barrrrrrrrrthelona…. awwwwww shit, dis gon be gud
****
TUESDAY’S PICKS
PSG [+225]
Barça [+125]
Draw [+245]
Well, well, well. Quite a matchup for the Round of 16. The funny thing is that neither club is leading their respective (Monaco and Real and on top in France and Spain, respectively), yet both PSG and Barcelona are in stellar form at the moment. In fact, they both happen to be on 11-game unbeaten streaks. (Which makes rumors that the losing coach may be on the way out all the funnier – not that they’re necessarily off base.) History is on the Catalans’ side as they mopped the floor with the Frenchies in the UCL quarterfinal a couple seasons ago, though some big names have come and gone since then. And while I’m not a big believer in looking at previous results given the changes that happen year in and year out, there is one masssssssssssive difference that I’m willing to bet could prove mighty important:
One of these things is not like the other…
Look, I’m not saying Edinson Cavani sucks. Rather, I’m saying Edinson Cavani really sucks. Does the dude score a ton of goals? Of course, but so would a turkey sandwich if a turkey sandwich played striker for PSG in Ligue 1. Cavani is basically Olivier Giroud* with a much less gargantuan nose (and more fortunate bone structure). They will both put the ball in the net if you give them enough tries, but do you really want to could on them as your go-to goal scorer? No thanks.
So there’s that, plus the fact betting on Barcelona to lose in Champions League is a brilliant way to go poor. There is plenty of reason to think PSG can hang, especially at home – Matuidi, Di Maria, Verratti and perhaps Draxler? Goodness gracious – but the odds on a draw are just too much to pass up. Importantly, don’t let Thiago Silva’s absence distract you from the cautious approach Luis Enrique is no doubt going to take. Gimme a 1-1 draw.
This? Lose?? I mean, lezzbe serious
[Note: maybe you think 1-1 is too low-scoring for these clubs, and perhaps you are right, but this is the place where I am required by law to remind you that first legs of home-and-homes are traditionally more cautious affairs… so keep that in mind.]
**
Benfica [+225]
Dortmund [+125]
Draw [+235]
BVB has been a tough club to wrap your head around this season, at times looking like they might give Bayern a run in the Bundesliga but more often looking surprisingly ordinary. Their recent form doesn’t offer much reason for optimism, having won only twice in nine games. Benfica has had some dicey performances lately, and may be missing strikers Andrija Živkovi? and Jones due to suspension and injury (respectively), but they are like a mini Burnley in that their home form has been top notch. This would be a tough game to call but Dortmund’s (reportedly likely) decision to keep the man, the myth, the growing legend Christian “Die Wahrheit” Pulisic on the bench makes it a bit easier. Benfica to win 2-1.
NOBODY PUTS BABYJESUS IN THE CORNER/ON THE BENCH!
*****************************************
Quite a day of games in lawn fairy land, but as nice as the matchups today are tomorrow arguably even better with Real/Napoli and Bayern/Arsenal… stay woke.
PS: To answer my own question posed in the title of this blog………… No.
Holler,
Samuel Army