NY Post- A doorman shoveling the steps at his Upper East Side building died Thursday in a freak accident – when he slipped while shoveling snow, tumbled down the stairs and had his throat slit as his head crashed through a window, police said. Longtime doorman – Miguel Gonzalez, 59 who was planning to retire soon – was clearing the stairs leading from the sidewalk to the basement lobby entrance of 333 East 93rd St. when he lost his footing around 9:30 a.m. The impact shattered the left window pane and left a pool of blood at the bottom of the steps. Gonzalez, who suffered deep cuts to his neck and face, was rushed to Metropolitan Hospital, but couldn’t be saved. He was pronounced dead at 10:27 a.m.
Over the years we’ve written countless blogs on the worst ways to die. There was the dude in Brazil who died when a cow fell through his roof and crushed him in his sleep. There was the dude who boiled in a vat of tuna fish. The grandfather who got Atomic Wedgie’d To Death. The list goes on.
Well today we have another induction on worst way to die courtesy of this poor bastard. Not in the same vain as those other dead people. All those other deaths were embarrassing or undignified or simply so ridiculous they seemed like out of a bad action movie. But dying from shoveling snow is up there with the least pleasurable possible death. If dying in the middle of sex was on one end of the spectrum, dying while shoveling snow is on the other. You know when they say “he died doing what he loved?” My man went out doing what everyone absolutely fucking HATES. And then you add in the fact that it’s almost IMPOSSIBLE to die from shoveling snow and this is just an all time clusterfuck of a death.
Yesterday was the first time I really had to shovel snow in about 15 years. Been in the burbs about 2 weeks and of course we get like 14 inches of snow. And let me tell you what – I wish I fell down a flight of stairs and slit my throat. Man did it suck. I shoveled like 4 times and by the time I finished one end of the walk, the beginning was already filled with snow again. It was like Sisyphus rolling his rock. Terrible. Anyway just as I was about to look for a window to commit suicide with, a truck came rolling down the hill. Like a bright white light. I wasnt sure if I was hallucinating like an oasis in the desert of snow. And out of the truck popped a Mexican family, arriving to shovel the driveway of my neighbor, Mrs. Marmalade. Arenado and his family shoveled the rest of my shit in like 0.2 seconds for 60 bucks. I would have given him 1 million dollars if he wanted. I swear to God I’ll go knock down that fucking wall myself if Donald puts it up.
And RIP in peace to that doorman.
PS – Real subtle, NY Post – “tumbled down the stairs and had his throat slit as his head crashed through a window”