Miranda Kerr's Fiance Can't Give Her the D
Us Weekly- While chatting with the reporter about contraception, the journalist said he uses birth control. “I don’t!” Kerr responded. When the journalist asked if that meant she was planning on adding to her family, the Mother denim spokesperson replied, “Not yet. Not until after we get married. [Evan Spiegel] is very traditional. We can’t … I mean we’re just … waiting.”
This can only mean one of three things:
- He’s a virgin
- He’s asexual
- He’s gay
I’m gonna implement the process of elimination here.
Because he’s the CEO of Snapchat, we can immediately take involuntary virginity off the table. Additionally, the key word in her quote is “can’t.” It implies Evan’s abstinence is under the control of something outside of himself. Perhaps he’s religious, you say. Well according to his Wikipedia, Evan Spiegel was raised Episcopalian; which, admittedly, I had never heard of. I followed the rabbit hole to their Wikipedia, I found the religion does not shun premarital sex. In fact, unlike many other Christian sects, Episcopalians even believe sex is to be had recreationally, rather than solely for procreation. So virginity is off the list.
Next: His sexuality. While I can’t prove that Evan is not asexual, I’m gonna say for the sake of humanity that he likes to have sex. To lock down a girl as hot as Miranda Kerr when you don’t even want to have sex with her – I just can’t even allow myself to entertain that kind of tragedy. Miranda is one of the top 3 hottest Victorias Secret models to ever exist, and she deserves all the dicks in the world.
Same goes for the gay theory.
This leaves us with no other options. Just kidding, I lied, there is a fourth possibility: Evan is a recovering “sex addict.” Personally, I don’t believe in the concept of sex addiction – addictive behavior, yes, hyper sexuality, yes. But being addicted to sex? I’m not buying it. It’s what the rich and famous do when they get caught cheating on their wives or sucking dick on meth. However, it doesn’t change the fact that many others believe in it, and I happen to know that part of sex addiction recovery is abstaining from premarital sex.
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Case solved, you sexual deviant.