Data Shows Patriots Fans Celebrated the Super Bowl with Tons of Porn

Pornhub (link SFW) – The 51st Super Bowl took place on Sunday February 5th and saw AFC champions the New England Patriots play NFC champions the Atlanta Falcons. In the year’s largest televised sports event, millions watched as the Patriots overcame the largest deficit in Superbowl history to beat the Falcons 34 to 28 in overtime.  …

Everyone likes to root for their home teams, so we found some of the largest traffic fluctuations in the states of Massachusetts and Georgia. In both, traffic dropped sharply at the beginning of the game, with Georgia reaching a low of -37% below average at around 9pm. Even as defeat seemed certain, Massachusetts traffic still remained lower at -40%. Then something amazing happened — the Patriots began one of the largest turnarounds in football history. As word quickly got around to Bay Staters, traffic plummeted to -53% below average at 10pm, about the same time as it began to increase in Georgia. …

At the end of the game, fans for both teams headed back to Pornhub to either celebrate their win or feel better about their team’s loss. At midnight traffic in Georgia was up +18% above average, but an amazing +30% increase in Massachusetts as fans did their own version over-cumming.

“Over-cumming. I see what you did there, Pornhub.

This is what those asswipes at places like Deadspin don’t get when they say Massholes “don’t deserve” to win championships. We absolutely do. Because we pay the price more than another states. We care more. We’re more dedicated. Winning means more to us.

You don’t have to take my word for it. Here’s the facts, in plain, easy-to-understand numbers and handy graph form. When we have a team playing for history, we spank it to porn less than the opponents. Even when the Pats were getting chocolate wasted, you didn’t see us running to the iPads to go rub one out. And when the Comeback for the Ages started, we were whipping up batches at less than half our usual output. It wasn’t until after the victory was secure, the Pats place in history assured and the trophy ceremony over that we went for a celebratory tug. And after the pure eroticism of watching Roger Goodell torture porn, at lot of guys needed the release.

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The one takeaway from this graph is that next year when the NFL does their Super Bowl Babies ad, there’ll be a lot more Falcons babies, because Massholes were fisting off knuckle children. Math doesn’t lie.