Girl Stops Thieves From Stealing Her Purse, Would Beat Ronda Rousey

Holy Muay Thai! Is that Lucy Liu? Those motorcycle bandits were wearing full X-Games helmets and they were dispatched, disgraced, and dismissed. She hit the first guy with two knees and then started WALKING away. “Ho hum, that guy’s dead, I’m safe. Oh look, here comes another sparring partner, what luck.” My favorite moment of the whole thing is when she’s tangled with the second guy and she deliberately puts her bag down, as if to say “alright, fuck it, this ends now.” She then DUMPS him on the ground, kicks him in the throat twice, and heads off for a cappuccino. Girl power indeed.

I would marry this girl in a heartbeat. Can’t see her face, don’t know what her parents are like, and don’t care. I’m not much of a fighter but I get in trouble a lot because I like to make jokes that sometimes upset people. One time I was at a bar in Maine and this guy’s girlfriend knocked the drink out of my hand. I asked her to buy me a new one and she refused because she’s a girl, so I told the guy that his girlfriend looked like a pile of afterbirth. He beat me up.

That scene plays out very differently if I’ve got this chick on my arm. I could run my mouth knowing that old thunderknees is just pacing in her cage, dying to let fly. Hey Dana White, you’re welcome.