Power Ranking The Worst Fans You'll Find At A Hockey Game
Feitelberg wrote a great blog this morning about one of, in my opinion at least, the most annoying assholes on the planet; the “Shooooooooooooot” guy you’ll see/hear at any hockey game. It got me to thinking, however, that the “shoooooooot” guy isn’t the only hockey fan that will make you want to jump in front of the Zamboni and end it all. Starting with
#5) The “Hey If I Stand Up In The Middle Of Play And Turn Around Toward The Camera, My Neighbor’s Cousin’s Boss Will See Me On TV” Guy
To be fair, this guy is generally harmless. But if you get caught sitting directly behind one of these jagoffs, you at least contemplate if the years spent in jail for murder are worth it or not. Because it’s a snowball effect. This guy told somebody earlier in the day that he’d be going to the game. That person then texts during the game and says, “omg I’m watching, where are you sitting, stand up next time the puck is near you so I can see you”. Then this asshole stands up right in your face as if nothing is going on, on the ice just to turn around and wave to the camera like a dickhead. Then somebody else sees them and tells them to do the same thing. Then so on and so on and so on. Eventually this piece of shit is standing up the entire game and the only action you get to watch is Mites on Ice.
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#4) The Random Jersey Guy
Far be it from me to be somebody who ridicules people for wearing team jerseys to a professional sports game. I’m not one of those guys who is going to call you a bitch for wearing another man’s last name on your back. Going to the Sharks game and you love Brent Burns more than any member in your immediate family? Knock yourself out and wear that Burnzie jersey to the Shark Tank. With that being said, it’s the guys who wear jerseys with absolutely zero connection to either team involved that give the rest of the jersey guys a bad rap. I’m talking about the guy who shows up to a Flyers vs Wild game wearing an Edmonton Oilers Gretzky jersey. Sure, it’s a great jersey. There’s no denying that. But the rationale behind wearing any old hockey jersey just because you’re going to a hockey game is ludicrous. Be better.
#3) Whoever Starts The Wave (jump off a bridge)
If I ever become President of the United States, I’m banning the wave from American sporting events. Keep that pussy soccer shit in Europe and get it the hell away from our sports. Especially hockey. It always amazes me when the wave really gets going because that means that one son of a bitch in the entire stadium just ruined the night for the other thousands of people in attendance. To be fair, the night was probably ruined already because the only time the wave really gets broken out is if the home team is sucking balls. But still. Now not only do you have to watch your favorite team get their shit kicked in, but you also have to feel like an even bigger jackass every 53 seconds when your entire section stands up and screams as if it’s the first time they’ve ever experienced this phenomena.
#2) The SHOOOOOOOOOOOT Guy
Feits wasn’t wrong when he rightfully went to town on the “SHOOT” guy. These are the kinds of people who have a severely inflated sense of self-worth. They think they know the game better than anybody else around them, including the players and coaches on the ice. And when there’s no powerplay for them to scream “SHOOOOOT” for an entire 120 seconds, you can also find them screaming some other gems such as “GET THE PUCK” and “TAKE THE BODY”. To put it into context that everybody can understand, it would be like if they sold tickets to watch the filming of a porno. And all of a sudden, some drunk fan in the upper deck started screaming “SUCK HIS DIIIIIIIIIICK”. It’s like yeah, buddy, we know. Everybody knows that she’s supposed to suck his dick. You’re not some sort of porn genius just because you screamed it out loud. I know it, you know it, she knows it. We all know that a dick is supposed to be sucked here but maybe not at this very precise moment. Just sit down, shut up, and enjoy the show.
#1) The Glass Banger
This may shock some people that the shoot guy isn’t #1 on the list. But hear me out here. The “SHOOT” guy is typically in the upper deck. He’s some blue collar working class guy who is so loaded on $9 Bud Lights that he thinks he’s actually helping the guy on the ice by telling them to shoot. While he’s annoying his entire section, at least his heart is in the right place. The Glass Banger, however? Well the Glass Banger is the biggest cock sucker in the building. Because for starters, the glass banger paid premium money just to a cock sucker. I don’t care what city you’re in, glass seats ain’t cheap. And while the “SHOOT” guy ruins the game for his section, the Glass Banger ruins the broadcast for everybody watching at home. EVERYBODY. If you’re a Glass Banger at a NBCSN Wednesday Night Rivalry game, you’re potentially ruining the game for millions of people. Sure, there are more “SHOOT” guys in the world than there are glass bangers. But pound for pound? Well the Glass Banger is the most selfish prick on the planet. They piss off everybody around them, they piss off the players, they piss off everybody watching from home. If I were stuck in a room with a “SHOOT” guy, a glass banger, and a gun with just one bullet… well I’d probably just end up shooting myself but if I didn’t do that, I’d shoot the Glass Banger. No doubts about it.
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Honorable Mention:
– The kid who brings a sign saying “If _______ scores tonight, my parents said I can get a dog”. Grow up, kid. Quit taking the easy way out and go buy your own damn dog.
– The visiting team fans that make sure to over celebrate every goal and turn around just to watch everyone’s reaction to their celebration. Fuck you, guy.
Best Fans You’ll Find At A Hockey Game
Flyers fans.
Well… at least I think so. But I could be a tad biased.