This 56 Year Old With An RV And An Extra Coachella Ticket Isn't As Creepy As You Would Expect
Craigslist- Ok here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free to the right person. I’m looking for a travel “companion” that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years. I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right “one”!
You may read that opening and think this guy is a total creep, but when you look at his list of demands it’s not THAT weird. Lets go through them all and see how his 20 demands stack up.
1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25- Who doesn’t want that? You aren’t finding a single girl over 25 in a major city that doesn’t have a ton of baggage. At least he’s not being greedy and starting at 18. Verdict: Not Creepy
2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached)- He just wants a girl who understands function and comfort. This RV is basically yoga pants. It keeps you covered, keep you comfortable and in the right light you can see through a little bit. Verdict: Not Creepy
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc)- Is asking someone to dress appropriately for an event creepy? Nope Verdict: Not Creepy
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4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over- Anyone who give up the AUX cord is a very generous person. I would let maybe 3 people I know pick the music on a road trip so this guy is just being open minded. Verdict: Not Creepy
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times- That’s just good advice. He doesn’t want your crusty feet all over his RV or hotel room. In fact he shouldn’t even have to tell you this. Verdict: Not Creepy
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic- You’re responding to a guy on Craigslist so this is kind of a given. Verdict: Not Creepy
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially)- Ok that’s weird. Maybe just let this come naturally but forcing it in advance is creepy. I also want to know what he considers a “sensual song”. Verdict: Creepy
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit- Obviously. This is a concert we’re talking about, not the dog track. Verdict: Not Creepy
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!- You can’t have a road trip without beef jerky. I’m pretty sure that’s a law. Peanut butter sandwiches alone is a bit odd but maybe he just doesn’t like jelly. Things could be a lot weirder with jelly. Verdict: Not Creepy
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride)- Who can argue this? If I bring you to an event an you’re sucking face with some other guy, I’m not giving you a ride home. I’ve seen this on black Twitter when girls get flown to Atlanta (I feel like it’s always Atlanta) to meet a guy and don’t hook up so the guy cancels the return flight he bought. To hold Coachella to a different standard would be racist. Verdict: Not Creepy
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact- Ok that’s weird. Verdict: Creepy
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged)- Come on guy, that’s 2 weird ones in a row. Space this shit out. Verdict: Creepy
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok- No one wants to babysit some 19-25 year old girl tripping her face off on Molly or whatever kids are doing now. Verdict: Not Creepy
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram account- Having it be the girl’s IG makes this weird. If it was “let me post a few pics of us together to make my bitch ex-wife jealous” it would be normal. Making the girl post is weird, and she’ll just delete them.Verdict: Creepy
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence- This is weird buuuuttt, if you just get all your stuff right before the trip you shouldn’t need to clip anything. Still weird but not the worst. Verdict: Creepy
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)- The guy went through a divorce and just wants to feel like a man again. His wife probably gained a ton of weight and he wasn’t able to pick, so now you get a better view at a FREE CONCERT! Verdict: Not Creepy
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that “I am naughty”- Trust me guy, I get this. Some hot young girl, or really any girl, telling you she’s naughty will take you from six to midnight but you can’t demand it. Then she doesn’t do it in a timely manner or she does them too soon and you wanted a Sunday “I am naughty” but you’re all out them so you’re pissed. Verdict: Creepy
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18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that “you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time”- Again you can’t demand this stuff. You have to charm her some so it’s not just sex trafficking. Verdict: Creepy
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower- I can see how you would think this is creepy. It’s another demand but as a guy who has never had anything written on a mirror for me, this sounds like a blast. Plus, hotel bathrooms have terrible ventilation so he is at least letting you go first, before he blows it up. Verdict: Not Creepy
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!- WHAT A MONSTER!!!! Verdict: Not Creepy
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and as mentioned, an all expenses paid trip. If you think you’re the one, let me know and we can have a great time together. My name is Gordon and I am 56 years old from West Covina.
Best,
Gordie
If I told you a 56 year old man named Gordie was going to lay out 20 demands of a 19-25 year old girl for a free weekend at Coachella, you would think 19 would be creepy. But here we stand at 13-7 for a weekend getaway with Radiohead, Beyonce and Kendrick headlining. Hell if I was 6 year younger and my testosterone count was just a smidge lower, i would probably apply. I’ve got the tits for it.