The 2017 College Lacrosse All-Name Team Is Finally Here
All around the nation, college kids are heading back to campus for the 2nd semester as their holiday breaks are coming to an end. That means one thing and one thing only…
IT’S MOTHER FUDGING COLLEGE LACROSSE SEASON.
That’s right, everybody. College Lax is back and the season will be here before you know it. It’s felt like an eternity since North Carolina won the National Championship this past Memorial Day. But starting in just a few more weeks, we have a whole brand new season ahead of us. Think of it like Big Cat’s NFL sandwich. We have a full Turkey Bacon Avocado with Ranch sandwich of college lacrosse on our plate right now. And to commemorate the start of the 2017 College Lacrosse season, Inside Lacrosse released their annual “All-Name Team”.
The 1st team is obviously headlined by Shack Stanwick. It’s pretty hard to believe that we only have 2 more seasons of Stanwicks in college lacrosse until they all start procreating with one another to bring more into the world. On the boys side there is Steele, Wells, Tad and Shack. On the girls side there is Coco, Covie, Wick and Sheehan. Just an outrageously pretentious lineup of names that you have no other choice but to respect it. Now Shack is a junior at Hopkins as he carries on the family legacy.
The most “fuck you, my dad is a lawyer” name of the bunch has to be Griffin Woodfinlevine coming out of Montclair State. A small DIII school in jersey. His father is a lawyer and his father before that was a lawyer and his father before that was a lawyer. Griffin Woodfinlevine is the epitome of old money. And the jokes for Brickman House pretty much write themselves. His goal song better be Brick House by The Commodores.
Moving on to the 2nd team, we start to realize that maybe this is a down year for college lax names. But the one that really stands out to me here is Alistair Berven from Princeton. Can’t you just picture this kid already just from reading his name. Alistair from Princeton. That’s a kid who probably has his own room at his local country club. Sidenote: If you say “Holden Rosen Grupp” enough times it sounds like you’re trying to speak Swedish.
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I’ve never needed to meet anybody more than I need to meet Joseph Joseph’s parents. Those sons of bitches are Legends of the Troll. Imagine that? Just think about what happened here. Joseph Joseph’s parents fucked one day. 9 months later they had a kid and when they had that kid, they decided his entire life’s purpose was essentially to be a hilarious prank. Feel like Joseph Joseph is deserving of his own segment on the JoJo, JoJo, JoJo and Joe show.
Also a big fan of the animal names on this squad. Viper and Cougar. Both very hella sweet names to have. Bear is also a dope animal name to have. But Cougar and Viper are both names that probably get you laid just on name alone.
And that was talking lacrosse.
[via Inside Lacrosse]