MMBM: The Old Testament Says Tony Romo Should Be The Starter
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Make no mistake about it. There is no QB controversy in Dallas- Tony Romo should be the unquestoned starter as determined by myself and God. The Dak-speriment was fun but its the playoffs now and this is big boy football. Yesterday Romo stepped on the field with a quiet confidence of a man that hasnt thrown a back-breaking intercepton in a personal record 4 months and did a Sully Sullenberger impression against the Eagles. I call him Ton Hanks because he performed so well in Philadelphia. And now that the playoffs are here its time to make the tough decision, but as I’ll present below- Tony Romo should be the starter according to facts, but more importantly- according to God himself the Lord on High.
Jason Garret is a died in the wool Catholic I’m assuming largely because of his hair color and his aversion to doing any real work on Sundays except wining. But he’d do well to study a bit of Hebrew theology when it comes to evaluating his Quarterbacks. Theres a old testament story called “The Judgement of Solomon” and its important to understand how it relates to the Cowboys. Back in the day (phrase you use when you want to say that something old was good) there were two women living together (passive aggressive city) and they both had babies at the same time (as women tend to do when there periods get synced up.) Anyways they both got all naggy and emotionally flighty after one of there babies died or whatever, and each mom claimed that the remaining child was their own. They went to King Solomon to determine which mom owned the living baby, and Solomon said that they should cut the baby in half and each get half a kid. Seems reasonable right?
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Well not according to one of the know-it-all chicks who was sensible enough to understand that if you have two parts of a childs vital organs you dont have one. So she told Solomon to give the kid to the other broad and Solomon revealed that he knew that only the babies true mother would of rather it live instead of see it get hacked up like a dry meatloaf so he gave the kid to the woman who tried to give it away. There was also a Seinfeld epsode about this.
No one knows what happened to the families probably because the kid probably stoned his mother to death for showing her wrist in public or whatever the hell kind of weird shit went down before we had the internet to tell us any better, but the lesson is well learned: If Dak Prescott was really a good enough leader to lead the Cowboys, he would of declared that this is actually Tony Romos team to lead, and by doing so, proved that it is actually his own. Romo has already gone ahead and done this when he gave the most martyring press-conference since Bud Dwyer while Dak remained silent like a illegitimate mother watching her best friend lose her child. Only the Cowboys true QB would care about seeing Dallas win enough to make sure that he didn’t screw it all up for them like he allways does- hence Romo should be awarded the job for trying to save the team from himself.
Instead, Daks refusal to show deference to his superior in Romo is indicitive of just how much of a rookie he is and how little he understands about proper genuflection, as well as demonstrates the fact that he dosen’t really care about the Dallas Football Cowboys as much as he cares about himself. He’s also throwing his coach under the bus by making the decision for him. Just an all-around abdictation of leadership.
In Conclusion
In Conclusion, its the playoffs. Your going to need touchdowns. Touchdowns are worth 6 points. You know what else has six points? The Star of David. Nows the perfect time for Jerry Jones to distance himself from his anti-semetic mohel-bashing tirade where he showed his distaste for “circumcizing the mosquito” and show admiration for the Old Testament by making Romo the starter. Also Dak has tattoos which means that he made himself invisible in the eyes of the God and if the Lord cant recognize you as a champion then how can Roger Goodell.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: The Fullback
A fullback is basicaly the Johny Henry of the NFL and for a while it looked like the position was going to die on the job just like the old folk hero. But with the 2016 season in the rear view it looks like the leagues GMs dicsovered that you cant drive a train directly into a mountain no matter how many millions of dollars you’ve paid to rent it and contract holdouts it gives you along the way. You need a young man with a sledgehammer and a firm handshake to open up lanes first. Fullbacks themselves exist allmost as philanthropists. They do so much behind the scenes to help other people without demanding pulicity for there efforts, and all they ask for in return is to have a honest job, a new lunch pail every now and again, and to mention the Ivy League college they went to a couple dozen times per game, and also maybe elect them President once in a while.
With the emergence of Aaron Ripkowski as a New Testament version of John Kuhn, Matt Devlin, Kyle Jusczyk (from Harvard,) and Andy Janovich from Nebraska (the Harvard of Nebraska,) I see not really a golden age, but a new steel age returning to the NFL. The process is still very much under construction but fortunately the FB is a hard hat position- and the fact that the league year was buttressed by fullback TDs out of Janovich and Ripkowski tells me theres a solid foundation in place, and I’m happy to support that with my column.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Dont. Dress. Up. Like. A. Football. Coach. Unless. Your. Actually. A. Football. Coach.
Its basically the same thing as blackface to do this. It appropriates the lack of hygene, style, and general couthness that football guys naturally possess just so that you can have a laugh. For example its not funny to make a little kid look like Andy Reid when that child actually understands the consequences of time outs.
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Do better.
2. Jeff Trippellete, who is amazing, called a personal foul against the Jets for hitting Cardale Jones in the head while simultaneously calling Jones for intentional grounding because he got hit so hard in the head his pass was off target. Calling someone for intentional grounding as there being hit into throwing a errant pass is like arresting Jackie Onasis for exiting a moving vehicle and violating safteybelt laws.
Tip of the cap to Roger Goodell for keeping Jeff out of harms way by having him work a Jets/Bills game that had no implications to the future of any parallel universes. Its like how you dont let a toddler clean a gun. Unfortunately for all of us, Tripellete wasnt working the dildo game because watching him try to figure out what the object was, his ensuing explanation to the crowd, and seeing him ascertain which orifice he should use to exculpate the dildo from the field would of been a all-timer.
3. I call him Cliche McLellan because this guy is a real coaches son, gym rat, scrappy, first-in last-out, ham & eggs type grinder type guy from the old neighborhood. Just saying.
4. The Patriots only threw 2 interceptions all year, which is less then half the previous record of 5. You can look at this two ways:
- Bradys cheating again
- Brady’s not taking enough chances
5. A bunch of idiots are attributing New Englands success to how great the offense is depsite the fact that their scheme got iron men Rob Gronkowski and Danny Amendola hurt. Now the Rams, Jaguars, and Niners are lining up to interview Josh McDaniels during the bye week and McDaneils will have his pick of the litter depending on which team would be willing to part with the most 1st rounders getting sent back to New England in exchange for Jimmy Garopollo and the rights to Christian McCaffrey’s younger less-talented brother.
McDaniels is without a doubt a Belichick sleeper cell like when a guy from Russia immigrates to America and sends back a bunch of money to his family after setting up computer systems with malware in them all across our power grid. So the 49ers might go into next year locked and loaded with McDaniels in the headset and Jacoby Brisset and Matt Cassel platooning under center, and 2 years from now the Patriots will end up sending Matt Patricia to the Bengals along with Deshaun Watson in exchange for 7 first round picks. Its a very underated aspect of how New England has been able to stay on top for so long, but when you send all of your assistants to fan out across the AFC every year and destroy the conference from the inside its pretty easy to make it to the Superbowl every third year.
6. Aqib Talib snatched a necklace off Michael Crabtrees neck, which is technically a crime and destruction of property. A good recever should allways know where the chains are in any situation and Crabtree’s lack of awareness demonstrates exactly why he hasnt drawn any interest from any teams that dont live in cities renowned for not getting enough bang for your buck, But most of all thoughts and prayers to anyone who might try to use the jewel thief pickup line on Talibs daughters in the future. That ones going to backfire big time.
7. Graham Gano, whose very racist name literaly translates to “I win, cracker” is ironicaly feeling a bit salty after playing so crumby.
Gano said the end zone video boards were showing live footage of his placements, while displaying the Buccaneers’ logo against a solid red background when the Bucs’ Roberto Aguayo lined up.
Why is that a big deal?
Gano said it had the distracting effect of making him look at two sets of goalposts – the actual posts and those on the screen.
“You look out there, there’s two (sets of) uprights you’re looking at,” he said.
Leaving aside the fact that Rob Bironas and Sebastian Janikowski both had long fruitfull careers despite seeing two sets of goalposts basically every day, shouldnt seeing double to uprights make it easier to make a kick? Im not a math scientist but I’m pretty sure that if you have double the surface area of air to kick through your twice as likely to make it. I have to blame Cam Newton for not setting a good example on how to loose with class on this one.
8. Peter King makes the claim that Johnny Hekker, punter for the Rams had the best season of any player at there position in the NFL. But we need to account here that its a punter for the Rams so of course there going to have more practice and be put in a more advantageous spot to be noticed. This is like saying that Meryl Streep was the best actress because she appeared in 6 period pieces this year where she gets to play a mentally challenged victorian monarch that critics describe as “Elizabeth meets Radio”. Decks stacked in her favor.
9. Tom Coughlin could coach the Jaguars and Bills to simultaneous 8-8 seasons like Bobby Fisher playing 40 guys in chess. I think the NFL should let him try just for fun. I guarentee you Coughlin spent this past year coaching a simulated season anyways, berating his dog for loafing and chewing out his own prostate for not ejaculating 5 minutes early- so you know he hasn’t lost a step. Here are the rules- Coughlin has to coach every Buffalo game if the gametime temperature is under 32 degrees, and he has to go to the London game for the Jags as well as the annual Thursday night Titans color rush. Besides that he can be on whichever sideline he chooses while monitoring the other game through his headset or one of his grandchildren explaning the play-by-play as it happens.
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10. Pretty convenient that Mark Sanchez wont have to be leaving Texas during the playoffs so he wont have to worry about the judical logistics of taking his girlfriend over state lines without a note from her parents.