Some time back during Barstool’s Late Cretaceous Period, I’d started to notice that there were an awful lot of stories in the news about hot female teachers getting arrested for boning their teenage students. And just to put a sports twist to it, I thought it would be laughs to organize the recent ones into a batting order, and it got a good reaction. But the stories never stopped coming. Guys kept sending them to me. And from that, the recurring Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher blog.
Somehow, in spite of all the humiliation that can only come from having your depraved, cradle-robbing seduction of teenage boys plastered all over America’s number one lifestyle website, these women keep tossing their lives away for 20 seconds of awkward sex. In cars, cheap motels, parents houses and, on occasion, on school property. And that original post with the batting order evolved into a year-end award, appreciating the best, hottest and most sexually depraved SSTs of the previous 12 months.
It’s been a couple of years while I was pursuing other career opportunities, so allow me to make it up to you. Presenting the 2016 Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup:
Leadoff Hitter: Alexandria Vera, Texas
Alexandria is more than just her obvious cuteness. It takes more than just pure talent to lead this lineup. It takes toughness, tenacity and the willingness to grind out at bats. It takes determination, and she’s got that in spades. Alexandria was a middle school English teacher who not only admits to doing it with her 13-year-old student “on a daily basis,” she got pregnant by him. She told the cops that the lad’s parents were “supportive and excited” about becoming grandparents, and even took her around to family parties introducing her as the kid’s girlfriend. Unfortunately they won’t get to slap that “Let Me Tell You About the Grandchild My 13-year-old Son Fathered With His Teacher” bumper sticker, since Ms. Vera aborted the child once investigators came sniffing around. But that doesn’t make her any less the tone-setter you want in the leadoff spot.
In the 2-Hole: Mary Beth Haglin, Iowa
You know that “rat” player? The one who’s always working the umpire, complaining about every call and never stops trying to gain that competitive edge? Those guys drive you nuts if they’re on the other side. But when they’re yours, you love them. And that is what Mary Beth is. Sure, her looks come dangerously close to putting the “hag” in “Haglin.” But she’s not bad. And she not only admitted to having sex with one of her teenage charges, she blamed the school, claiming they knew she was doing it and “turned a blind eye.” You might call that ridiculous, but I call it audacity. I want that kind of guts where it matters most.
Third Spot: Isabelle Graham, UK
Graham is the best natural talent in the 2016 crop, but she also delivered in a big way. The French teacher and “devout Christian” left the nice hotel where she was chaperoning prom to head to the nearby Travelodge with one of the students. They allegedly banged there for three hours. It would have been more, but another student showed up and took a picture of them, the kid standing in the door and Isabelle passed out in the bed. I believe the proper French for that is “Ooh la la.”
Cleanup Hitter: Alaina Ferguson, Texas
Alaina gets this coveted spot for a lot of reasons. Looks, for sure. And for the fact that she was engaged when she started having at it with one of her alegbra students in her fiances’ apartment while he was off on a hunting trip for his bachelor party. The fact that she had the kid over on the regular for pizza and beer pong doesn’t hurt. But she’s mainly here because she’s the one who invited the kid to follow her on Snapchat, then immediately turned that into nude selfies and sex on a park bench. That kind of pioneering work in social media is the thing that will take Teacher Sex Scandals into the future.
The 5-Spot: Randi Lynn Zurenko, South Carolina
What do you do to get a talent like Ms. Ferguson protection? How about a Catholic school teacher facing over 200 criminal charges for doing it with two different students? And that’s just for starters. Police haven’t determined the gender of one of her “victims.” But they know the other one is female because they’ve seen the cell phone photos of the girl naked, Zurenko naked, and them doing stuff to each other on park benches, in her home and at Myrtle Beach. And just as an intangible, Randi is the most appropriate name on the list.
6-Hitter: Laura Rich, Georgia
I’ll be honest with you, there aren’t a hell of a lot of salacious details with Laura. We know she brought two different kids back to her house to bang them. A 16-year-old early in 2015, and an 18-year-old later in the year. Pretty standard stuff, really. But sometimes you just have to allow for natural ability. And her mom-bangs and early-Sara Silverman looks are enough to get her to make the squad.
Batting 7th: Rachel Bauer, Texas
While Rachel might not look like an All Star, the back of her baseball card says otherwise. The former agriculture teacher at Frankston High School is currently serving a 10 year stretch for sending half naked pics of her in a Frankston ISD t-shirt as well as full nudes to 14-, 16- and 17-year olds. She also had them over for parties where she fed them booze, sex and blowjibbers. Which apparently are still jailable offenses in Texas. Police aren’t saying if she had the kids run train on her. But my heart tells me yes.
8-Hole: Haeli Wey, Texas
More representation from the great SST state of Texas. Haeli tried desperately to get two kids in her class to put an end to the rumors around school that she was boning them. Rumors that spread once she began boning them. The first kid got it 10 times from Haeli while the two of them were on a trip with his family to Africa. (Think the movie “Blended” only where Adam Sandler is 17, Drew Barrymore is his teacher and it’s actually funny.) The other kid got invited out on a hike on some secluded trails where she promised to bring along a portable hammock. The kid told police he knew she was inviting him out for hammock sex because “a teacher just doesn’t hang out with a student to hang out.” Which might be the “E Pluribus Unum” of the SST movement.
9-hitter: Laura Whitehurst, California
My philosophy is your No. 9 is your leadoff every subsequent trip around the lineup. So you’d better have someone good in there. In another year, Laura Whitehurst might be in that top spot because she’s got exactly the kind of grit we’re looking for. She not only had a baby with a 16-year-old after telling him she couldn’t get pregnant. What’s more, the kid’s family sued the school district and settled for $6 million. You not only get an older woman stalking/seducing you, you get to ride bareback, don’t have to pay child support AND become a multi-millionaire? Only in America.
Brunette Starting Pitcher: Sara Domres, Wisconsin
In addition to looking like a low rent, Midwestern version of Jessalyn Gilsig from “Vikings,” Domres has game. Over a nine month span, she and a student exchanged 1,174 texts. The first time the did it was in her car at the Park ‘n Ride, but apparently she’s a romantic because she upgraded to a Motel 6, where she paid the 56 bucks out of her own pocket. But cops were able to prove the two were there together because the kid connected his phone to the room’s Wifi. Let this be a lesson to all you aspiring SSTs. Settle for the 3G.
Blonde Starting Pitcher: Nicole Jakubiak, Texas
There were hotter teachers than Nicole Jakubiak this year, but none crazier. She took a foreign exchange student into her and her husband’s home, then started to bang him. We know this because she went to school and told the other teachers she was banging the foreign exchange student living in their house, under the assumption he was over the age of 18 so there’s nothing wrong with it. I like to think of it as just exposing the young man to our way of life, which is supposed to be the point of the exchange program. The law says otherwise, even in Texas.
Long Relief: Nicole Aymand, Louisiana
According to incriminating text messages and her own admission to the cops, Nicole had sex with two students and “sexual conduct” with a third. Two bonings and a blowie is a luxury you want to have available if you starter can’t go long or you need the occasional spot start.
Closer Jamee Hiatt, Michigan
Closers, are by their very nature, insane. And they didn’t come nuttier than Jamee Hiatt. The 32-year-old mother of two admitted to doing the Beast With Two Backs with a 13-year-old “every other day,” then doubled down on the crazy by going all Sugar Mama. She gave the kid cash, cellphones and a gun, which he then sold for cash and she reported as stolen. She even applied for his guardianship, so they could live together full time. As a normal couple.
Christina Busby, Alabama
I kind of like Christina Busby. She’s not super hot, but cute in that way you could see yourself flirting with her at your neighbor’s Ugly Sweater Party or wherever. And she had a nice little story. She was teaching at a Christian school until the mother of one of her students found racy texts on his phone. They did it a couple of times at her house, which is fine and all. But just kind of average. And not nearly enough to make the cut. Not in a year like this.
Tara Stumph, California
What do we know about Tara Stumph? That she’s a smoking hot MILF. Who was arrested. On suspicion of sex with a student. And that’s it. Just a crushing disappointment in that we don’t have any more evidence. No reports about nude texts. No witnesses. No confessions. Just an accusation. With any luck she’ll reach her full potential in 2017. But I can’t, in good conscience, put her on the squad on the basis of a nice headshot. I have standards.
Jessica Beraldin, Ottawa
Jessica was charged with sending “sexually explicit material” to a student. During school hours. Her selfie game is also strong, so she had potential. But when I saw the full body photos, I immediately took her name off the roster I post in the hallway at the end of the year. An Ottawa 6 is an American 4.
Brittney Rae Padgett, Oklahoma
Brittney caught my eye because she looks like a low rent, Midwestern Kate Mara. But the only allegation is that she made out with a student. As DeNiro says in “A Bronx Tale,” the saddest thing in life is wasted talent.
Alyson London, Florida
Before you accuse me of being nuts for even putting Alyson London among the “ommissions,” heare me out. She exchanged over 129,000 texts with one of her students. Along with Snapchats and Kiks. 129 THOUSAND. Yes, she’s got the face of a witch luring children into a cabin in the woods. I’m sorry, but that kind of want-to has to be acknowledged. Alyson is that kid you want to root for. You want to find a spot on the team for. But ultimately, just doesn’t have the God-given skills required. Rudy, I wish I could put your heart into some of these other boys’ bodies. But I can’t.
For all those who didn’t make the cut, there is a brand new year ahead. Everyone is complaining what a craptastic year 2016 was, you can do something to make 2017 better. All you crazy, horny, reckless female educators, you know what to do. Happy New Year.
Do you have someone you want to see graded? Tweet her to me @jerrythornton1 with #SexScandalTeacher. And be sure to include photos and a link or it’s of no use. Your service to the betterment of mankind will be its own reward.