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#26) This 11 Year Old Telling Us That We Need To Travel More Can Go Right To Hell

(Source)Four years ago I had a really boring life. I’m the kid of a single Mum, so to pay the bills she worked nearly all day and into the night. I often had to go to a friend’s place before school and eat my breakfast there, and later I’d have to go to ‘After School Care’ at a different place. I went to school 5 days a week, and for outings we might go to the museum in our city or something that didn’t cost much money.

Life was BORING.

Now I travel the world — 65 countries in the past 4 years — and I’m only 11 years old. Here’s why parents should travel with their kids as much as they can.

Oh life was boring for you four years ago, you eleven year old little bitch? Was it? Life was so fucking monotonous when you were seven? Shut your goddamned, baby tooth filled mouth. I’ll kill you. I’ll kill an eleven year old and not think twice about it. You got to hang out at your friend’s house before you even went to school, you got to hang out with more friends after school, you had recess and snack time and lunch, and you went to museums (Ok fair point, those are boring as shit). You want to know boredom? Try working for the weekend five days a week. Put that hat on for a second. Become an adult, spend your own money, and have the first thought that runs through your mind when your feet hit the floor be, “Ugh, time for this bullshit that is my life, again.” That shit is BORING bro. I’d love to go to 65 countries in 4 years, I’m actually a huge fan of traveling, problem is my mom isn’t rich and doesn’t really like me.

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Know what normal 11 year olds enjoy more than spending time with their mum (fuck you for that, too)? Literally anything. Playing video games, eating dirt, masturbating, jumping off building, climbing trees, making that fart noise with your hand and your armpit, anything at all is better than spending time with your parents. Don’t feel sorry for us kids who got toys instead of “time,” we were happy as shit. We lived normal lives and didn’t hang out with our parents until we got to an appropriate age when it became fun. Don’t you dare feel sorry for me. I had Sega AND Nintendo 64, bitch.

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You traveled to Guatemala to go to a water park? LMFAOOOOOO. You know what we call water park vacations here in the USA? We call them poor people vacations. A water park in a third world country isn’t even a vacation so much as it’s an immune system building exercise. We have band-aids floating around water parks in the States so I imagine there are, like, countless dead bodies at them in Central America.

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Ohhhh look at the little eleven year old braniac who doesn’t even have to go to school to get good grades because “the world is my classroom.” I’ve got a newsflash for you, twerp, you’ve gotta be really stupid to say something like, “the world is my classroom,” and think you don’t sound like an insufferable little asshole. You said that and thought you sounded original. Therefore, you’re stupid. Bet you wish the tour guide in Machu Picchu had let you in on that little secret, don’t you?

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Know what the most overrated shit in the world is? Culture. Fuck culture. I’m white so I’ve never had any kind of culture in my life, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Your culture smells and your food stinks, get me to an air conditioned room and get me a Dominos pizza. That’s all the culture I need.

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The only thing worse than new friends are vacation friends who think they’re real world friends. Yeah man, we had a good time on Spring Break funnelling those beers but that doesn’t mean you need to wish me a Happy Birthday for the next decade. Or worse yet, the random couple. Look, my girlfriend and I were on vacation and had gotten sick of each other so we talked to you at the bar and ended up going to dinner. That’s where the relationship ends. We’re not going to hang out in America, we’re not going to do couples vacations every year, we’re hopefully never going to see each other ever again. Vacation friends are fine placeholders but anyone who tries to keep in touch after vacation is over can fuck off.

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Oh you’re not super sporty, nerd? I never would have guessed. The mama’s boy who thinks snorkeling is a sport isn’t a world class athlete! Color me shocked! This fucking kid, man. Takes one ski lesson and all of a sudden he’s an Olympian. How bout this, dude, I do all that shit every single year and don’t have to travel at all for it. It’s called living in New England instead of some prison island that’s overrun by terrifying animals and bugs.

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A YouTuber! The kid wants to be a YouTuber! Great investment, mom. You took your little dork out of school so he becomes an idiot and then chases his dream of making quick-cut videos and saying zany things that he actually just stole from Twitter or Tumblr. Travel with your kids, it’ll teach them there’s a whole world out there that they can’t wait to get the fuck away from.

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You didn’t know how lucky we are in the western world BECAUSE YOU WERE SEVEN. You would have learned eventually, I promise.

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Classic 11 year old issues. So much gun violence and terrorist attacks that none of us know how much longer we’ll be here/be able to travel for so we need to get out there and see the world. Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Leave me alone and let me eat my Dunakaroos in peace, you having-your-mommy-ghostwrite-a-blog bitch.