So today is Glenny Balls’ first day in the office. He is Caleb’s personal intern and will be sitting in my seat whenever I work from home (which will likely be 2-3 days a week). I’ve never met Glen in person, but he seems like a nice guy. He is a large man like myself and the rule is that all husky men have to support each other unless there is a reason not to.
But that is also part of the problem. The one thing Pres hammered home to me during his
roast podcast is that I am the fat, happy guy in the office. But again, based on what I’ve seen online, Glen is fat and happy as well and everyone seems to like him. If Glenny Balls fills my role, I think I am out of a gimmick. I feel like the limit for fat happy guys is one, just like Highlander. I may have won the Office’s Week 2 Power Rankings (nbd), but I think we can all agree that success is fleeting in the dog-eat-dog world of Barstool.
To thicken the plot, Glen has changed his Twitter handle to @TheGlemReport. I would say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but could this be a power play by Glenny Balls? I mean we can all agree that he had an electric personality in that intern interview video to go along with his fantastic nickname and the dude can flat out run.
I always thought I was underratedly fast like a bear. My top speed is pretty fast and I hit it very early, but I just don’t have the stamina to maintain it. I think there’s a decent chance Glenny Balls could beat me in a foot race. And if I know anything about Barstool, it’s that a foot race will likely be the deciding factor in many tough situations. I’ve thought about potentially trying to flip the script on Glen and change my Twitter handle to @ClemmyBalls, but I think the damage has already been done.
Glenny Balls has also been in four competitive eating contests. I have never been in one, partially because I worry enough about my health as is. Glen said that he would be more of a Bizzaro Clem at the office, like Feldman from Seinfeld. But is there a chance that Dave has already decided to fire me for my own good and Glenny Balls is just slowly but surely Wally Pipping my ass? Myself, along with my wife and young child, sure hope not.