This Girl's Lists Of Reasons To Wife Her Up Might Be The Best Salesmanship In A Tinder Bio This Year

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A lot of girls, and guys too I’m sure, make these lists of reasons why they’re a viable candidate to date or marry or whatever. And it’s always jokes or things that don’t actually matter. But this list here…this is a real list of actionable items of things you might want in a partner. Sure she may only “speak when spoken to” because her mouth is filled to the brim with semen at any given time and she may be a bit too much of a pushover if you like a little feistiness in a gal. But if you’re talking purely about the kind of cornerstone to your franchise that you can build a family around, a chick with a generous mouth and heart, then I think Samantha’s the right gal for you.

And hey it’s an early Christmas surprise, one more Tinder roundup before we call it a wrap for 2016. The big news in the dating app world this week is Smitty, Alyssa Rose and my dating podcast Swipe Drunk Love got a timeslot on the Barstool Facebook Live for 2017:

We’ve got a lot of fun stuff planned so go follow the @SwipeDrunkLove handle to see some teasers and catch up with the old episodes before we go live on January 5. As for this week, thanks as always to the folks who sent screenshots in all year, make sure to follow me and DM in your screenshots for the big 2017 kickoff Tinder roundup, and let’s get to it!

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(via G)

BW-shouttothechosenshopeshefindsboththosethingsunderamenorah

Shoutout to the Chosens this holiday season, hope she finds both those things under her menorah this year (via BW)

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Couldn’t have the last Tinder roundup of the year without one more cheerleader on Bumble (via ZD)

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A double dip on cheerleaders on Bumble, it’s a Christmas non-miracle! (via DS)

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Is this a new character for PFT on Pardon My Take? (via DJ)

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Because women make less, you see (via DC)

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Throwing a pit stain pic up there is kind of a savage move, you know she goes hard (via MB)

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Today in unexpected ass eaters (via KR)

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When you eat horse manure it’ll follow you forever, life lessons (via Z)

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This sounds like the most horrifying experience ever that mayyyy also lead to an easy threesome so I don’t hate it personally

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NS2-iassumeshelovesguysbuttsbecauseshesalwaysfacetofacewiththem

I assume she loves guys’ butts because she’s always face to face with them (via NS)

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#zimmerstrong (via RR)

CC-imsureherfamilyappreciatesthecomplimentbutwouldprobablyprefershenotsaythat

I’m sure her family appreciates the compliment but would probably prefer she not say that (via CC)

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Quality swamp ass or piss or God knows what going on over this chick’s shoulder (via JD)

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Ryan Seacrest with nothing but 10s at his wedding, no shocker there (via PS)

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She could be considering a career in sales instead of medicine (via S)

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So empowered, so brave, such lowered expectations (via N)

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Stoner girls are much less sexy in real life than Instagram memes would make you think (via MG)

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That last one may not have needed the heart emoji (via TM)

JS-yourchristmascompetitionisInternTexinhissuperheropersonaPaperBagMancatchhimonSwipeDrunkLoveJan5

Your Christmas competition for the week is Intern Tex in his superhero persona Paper Bag Man…good news you can call Tex live on Swipe Drunk Love on January 5th! (via JS)

And onto your hot and NSFWish ones…

LHT-HOTNSFWeverythingaboutthisspagspromiseisworkingforme

All the nips on all the dating apps, the #SpagsPromise is its own Christmas gift (via LHT)

P-HOTNSFWhoeingforthiccgirls101

Hoeing for thicc girls 101, class is in session (via P)

LK-HOTNSFWshouttothegirlswithtittiessobigtheylosetheirneck

Shoutout to the girls with tits so big their necks get gobbled up in the process (via LK)

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K2-HOTNSFWthisweeksreminderthatatransspagpromisehadthephotocroppedatjusttherightspot

This week’s reminder that a trans #SpagsPromise had the bottom of the photo cropped at just the right spot (via K)

LC-HOTNSFWIhaveasuddenspagspromisebasedcravingforIHOP

I have a sudden #SpagsPromise based craving for IHOP (via LC)

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Dat redhead booty tho (via MS)

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Diversity in #SpagsPromises (via JW)

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35-year-old bombs almost make up for the weird shit of wanting a guy who’s a puppy dog (via KH)

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Here’s a quality Officially Approved Social Media Follow of the Week, especially if you love a good booty (via DS)

CVA-HOTNSFWcoincidentallythechicagobearsarefansofthattooJKtheyhaveproudUSCalummattbarkleysotheyregoodnow

Coincidentally the Chicago Bears are fans of that too (JK they have proud USC alum Matt Barkley QBing so they’re good now) (via CVA)

R-HOTNSFWthatisasniceofareasontolikemymomsvagasiveeverheard

That is as nice of a reason to like my mom’s vag as I’ve ever heard (via R)

RP-HOTNSFWiassumeshessomesortofrealitychickbuteitherwayapiercedspagspromiseisstillgettingonhere

I assume she’s some sort of reality chick but either way a pierced #SpagsPromise is still getting on here (via RP)

JW-HOTNSFWalittlemrsclausonpartynightspagspromise

A little Mrs Claus on party night #SpagsPromise to close out the year for the MILF lover in you (via JW)

And there we have it, 2016 now OFFICIALLY in the books for the Tinder blog. Barstool is in best-of mode all next week so hope you all have merry Christmases, happy Hanukkahs, joyous Kwanzaas, and a great New Year. Happy swiping!