Welcome back to everybody’s favorite feature, the Barstool Office Power Rankings. Was just going to do an abbreviated version this week because we had 2-6 PM blocked off on our calendars for the Barstool Yankee Swap…but since we finished up at 2:36 PM I have plenty of time to write. Speaking of the Swap, if I had to do a quick ranking of the gifts everyone got, off the top of my head, I’d probably go with the Asa Akira Fleshlight (opened 6 inches away from the face of Asa Akira) and the Japanese Sex Eggs that we think you dip in water and then stick your penis in as the top gifts. Personally I ended up with 4 orders of potato skins, a vape and a pack of Marlboros so like I’m not complaining, but on the flip side I can’t have sex with any of those products.
Had a jam packed week of content before today as well. Normally I have to painstakingly go through all our social accounts to remember all the highlights but that wasn’t an issue this week – from experimenting with sex positions with porn stars, to employees mysteriously eating out of the garbage, to wild animals hopping around the cubicles, to a flat out Holy War being waged by the Jews and Gentiles around HQ. For anyone who ever thinks we make stuff up or exaggerate things for content, I’d love for you to just come and sit in here for a day, come sit in my seat and try to write and just take in all the wild and insanely idiotic stuff that just comes up naturally.
Anyway let’s get into it, what everybody came to see – the top 5 Barstool people of the week, and those that should take the holidays to sit and really think hard on how they can do a better job around here.
5) Johnny Football
I don’t know who his Public Relations team is, but god damn do they know what they’re doing. If there is one way to rehabilitate your public image and get yourself back in the good graces of the NFL, it’s partying with the Barstool guys and doing sober pizza reviews.
Browns about to come literally crawling back.
Shout out to Johnny for finally doing some content with us. Biggest sports star in the universe with the spotlight all over you, out of work and just partying and drinking professionally…doesn’t matter, all the same.
Viral is viral.
4) Caleb and Rone
The new office power couple on an absolute tear. Tore up Santacon…
Got a super exclusive guest on their podcast…
Dropped a B Boy stance video every single day…
And are currently in the lab cooking up something extra special for the holidays:
Looking forward to it, and I’m saying that in the least creepy voice possible right now.
On behalf of the Office Jews I would like to personally extend my thanks and bestow the honor of a Power Ranking spot to Dave for taking the initiative and bringing the 12 foot menorah in to help us represent for the holidays. Couldn’t let the insult of that tiny ass electric menorah last week stand, not when it was right next to a big beautifully decorated Christmas tree.
What’s up now motherfuckers?
Jews control the banks, media and world economy, it’s only fitting they’d now control Barstool HQ.
2) Winston the Wallaby
Winston the Wallaby had a more active day at the Barstool office than 60-65% of our actual paid employees. Just hopping around entertaining everybody like a motherfucker. Literally the cutest baby albino wallaby I’ve ever seen.
Shoutout to Young Pageviews, gets an honorable mention for being the one to bring him in. Also for the 68 ounce coffee and inspirational note.
It was really a one man race for the #1 spot after Tuesday’s rundown. I mean it was locked up. You just simply don’t standing-69 Asa Akira in the middle of the entire office and not end up as the top dog.
Who knew putting 2 diamond studs into your ears turned you into such a savage.
Late Addition Honorable Mention:
Currently going viral in foreign magazines and newspapers, literally getting interviewed by news stations for that Elf/Step Brothers blog he wrote last week.
What a world.
Nate The Raccoon
We all know you ate the potato skins out of the trash you little raccoon scavenger motherfucker.
Nobody likes a rat. Snitches get stitches. None of us will actually give Ebony stitches because she would easily beat all of our asses so it’s just a saying in this case. But still, Ebony is supposed to be part of our team. Our support system. Not selling us out to the boss first chance she gets. Even if it was just little raccoon Nate eating out of the trash again.
Nobody has even been more rattled by a menorah than KFC. Nobody has even been more threatened by the Jewish people in this office taking a stand. I mean punching the Mensch in the face like that? Moving a table to lift the Christmas tree up so that it’s taller? Tweeting nonstop making nonsensical NFL analogies in his incoherent ramblings? The dude is shook plain and simple.
Hey KFC, come visit me at my desk, get #triggered.
Kmarko’s Relationship With Black Twitter
Black folks REALLY did not like my tweet. Today is literally the first day I’ve been able to check my mentions without something in there telling me to kill myself. Just for joking about a cheap discount tux jacket.
Smitty’s Shoes, Again
The Barstool Yankee Swap
We blocked off 4 hours for this…it was over in 36 minutes and we’re still not really clear on what the rules are.
All I know is I ended up with a vape, a pack of cigarettes and 4 orders of potato skins sooooo…it didn’t need any improvement for me.
Also the ribeye was delicious.
That’s it for today, see everyone after the holidays. Have a good one and don’t forget to download the app and sign up for the newsletter.