One of the biggest sports stories of the entire year is that the NFL will be adding Dodgeball to their Pro Bowl lineup this year. On Thursday, January 26, the top talent in the NFL will come together and play in one of the most highly anticipated dodgeball matches in the history of the world. Is it purely coincidence that this news comes less than two months after I wrote the blog “We Need Extreme Dodgeball Back In Our Lives”? I’m choosing to believe the two are somehow related. But yeah. Everybody has been bitching and complaining all season long that the NFL just isn’t good anymore. Everybody and their mother likes to call it the “No Fun League”. But the egg is on all your stupid faces right now because with one small dodgeball announcement, the NFL is back and it’s funner than ever.
So without further ado, here is the best possible dodgeball lineup the NFL could ever assemble. Will just stick to the starting 6 for now. In no particular order.
Now I know what you’re all thinking right now. “But Jordie. Vince is such a huge target. How the hell could he possibly be a good pick up for dodgeball?” And to that, I just have to tell all you idiots to think outside the box for me one time. Vince Wilfork is a massive human being. Sure, he may get drilled with a ton of balls all game but he’s like having a juggernaut out there on your side. He’ll just eat every ball thrown his way. If he gets hit in the stomach with a ball, his stomach will absorb the blow and then the person who threw it at him will be out once he catches it. He’ll have a ton of fire power on the attack and for a big guy, Vince is pretty light on his feet. Sneaky agile. Also–Vince Wilfork would be the perfect human shield for our next guy on the roster.
Pretty much the exact opposite side of the spectrum as Vince Wilfork. Darren Sproles is almost impossible to hit (unless you’re that scumbag Deshazor Everett). All 5’6″ of him. He’s a little lightning bolt out there and when you pair him up with Wilfork, they’re the perfect duo. You could even give them funny ironic nicknames. Like if you called Vince Wilfork “tiny” and you called Sproles “fluffy” or something like that. It’s funny because you’d think it would be the other way around. I guess you had to be there to get it. Either way, nobody is hitting Sproles even when he doesn’t have his bodyguard out there with him.
Odell Beckham Jr.
Kind of an easy layup pick here. I get that but you can’t like ODB off this team. Same thing as Sproles, nobody is going to hit Odell Beckham Jr. Anybody who has ever seen this man dance before knows that. He’ll be a dodging machine out there. You could have all 6 guys on the opposing team throw at him simultaneously and he’ll have some choreographed routine ready to dodge all 6 balls. And as long as he’s wearing his receiving gloves out there, he’ll be able to catch pretty much anything thrown his way as well. Just for all you stupid fucking idiots at home who don’t know the rules of dodgeball, that means the other guy is out.
Any great dodgeball team needs a great high school bully on the roster. A guy who isn’t out there to have fun. But he’s playing to inflict harm on the nerds on the opposing team. A guy who has no remorse for his actions. Who prides himself on snapping some dork’s glasses in half after drilling him in the dome. A guy who takes the game way too seriously. A guy who everybody on the other team is afraid to hit because they know that means they’ll get their lunch money taken and then their ass kicked after school. That grown up man child is Richie Incognito.
He’s real good at hitting guys in the feet with his throws. That doesn’t work out so well in football but it all counts the same in dodgeball. Boom. Roasted.
Truth be told, Aaron Rodgers wasn’t going to make the cut at first. I think it was for a couple of reasons. 1) I’m sick of the commercials. 2) Solidarity purposes for Big Cat. But then I saw this photo of him playing dodgeball and I realized that he’s the right man for the job. First off, he and Clay Matthews were the only NFL players I could find pictures of actually playing dodgeball so that obviously put a foot in the door for him. Then you remember the arm strength. Then you remember that he probably has a lot of pent up anger and frustration in him caused by his deep seeded hatred of his family, which can be used as anger fuel on the dodgeball floor. And lastly, you remember that if Aaron Rodgers is on the team that Olivia Munn can serve the oranges at halftime. And that’ll be something that keeps the rest of the boys going all game.
So there you have it. The NFL Dodgeball starting 6. I fully understand that there are probably a few better players out there who have stronger resumes for the team. But this isn’t about finding the best players. It’s about finding the right ones. And I’d take this starting 6 over any other starting 6 in the world.