Thank God! More importantly, thank Donald Trump! I was getting so sick of telling all my family members to suck my dick when they came over on December 25th, whatever day that is supposed to be. Ever since that damn Muslim took office and started arresting anyone who dared say the holiday that shall not be named, my Christmas spirit has been at an all time low. But no longer, thanks to Donald Trump. We took our country back and we’ve got our holiday back. The tides of the very real War on Christmas have changed and now, fuck everyone else’s religion. Fill the trebuchets with huge jars of gold, frankincense, and muhr because it’s time to teach these heathens what the season of giving is all about, and we’ll start by giving pain. Someone tells you, “Happy Holidays”? Fashion a noose out of garland and lynch that godless motherfucker. Catch someone happy about Kwanza, whatever the hell that entails? Poison their dog with mistletoe. You hear someone celebrating the festival of lights by playing Adam Sandler’s Hannukah Song? Stab them to death with a menorah and shove a dreidel up their ass, to send a message. It’s Christmastime again, bitch, and you better get used to it.