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The Jets Might Have Hit Rock Bottom and it Never Gets Old


A few fun facts from the way the Jets got debacled 41-10 on Monday Night Football:

*Andrew Luck was 22-for-28 with 278 yards and 4 TDs for a close-to-perfect 147.6. Coming into the game, he was the dictionary definition of average, with a 14th best 93.9 and one more TD than Tom Brady threw in only seven games.

*The Jets couldn’t cover Dwayne friggin’ Allen, who came into the game with two TDs on the year, but had three in the first half. I’m too cute to do math, but I think if you come into a game with 15 career TDs and add three more, that increases your total by 20 percent.

*Frank Gore, who at 33 is overdue to be taken out back behind the running back barn, averaged over five yards a carry in the first half. He was rushing at 3.8 YPA on the season.

*Ryan Fitzpatrick was 5-for-12, 81 yards and a pick before getting benched. Bryce Petty  stepped it up with 11 for 25, 135 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs.

*Ticket brokers were asking $5 a seat. The stands were half empty. And not even Fireman Ed high on dangerous amounts of Molly would say they were half full.

*Mohammed Wilkerson said, “We all played like shit.” Though, since he’s been routinely showing up late for meetings when he wasn’t blowing them off altogether, he’s arguably watched less shitty football than anyone on the team.

I point all this out because this was one of those moments when I realize I have a horrible character flaw. (No, really. I know it’s hard for you to believe, but it’s true.) There is no limit to how much I’m able to enjoy the misery of certain people and institutions. And the Jets are one of them. I’ve done a lot of soul searching. Taken long walks on the beach. Had talks with my spiritual advisor. Yet when it comes to them, I bought the Bottomless Cup o’ Schadenfreude with unlimited refills.

And now, the rumors are swirling that Todd Bowles is going to be fired. And I pray with all my heart that it doesn’t happen. If you’ll allow me a little TV Land-era pop culture reference, the most underrated sitcom of all time is “Hogan’s Heroes.” Anyway, it’s the funniest one ever that was set in a Nazi concentration camp. And any time Germans would threaten to ship Col. Klink off to the Russian Front, Hogan and his boys would cook up some elaborate scheme to make him look good. Because they didn’t want a real hardass Nazi to take his place so they could go on blowing up railroad bridges and banging frauleins. Which is why I hope Bowles survives this. To the point I almost hope the Pats lose to the Jets in a couple of weeks, just to prop up this failure and keep the good times (for me) rolling. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times: If the Jets didn’t exist, I’d have to invent them.