Hi, My Name Is Adam, And I'm A Grown Man Who Owns Only One Suit That Doesn't Even Fit


For reasons to be disclosed later, Riggsy and I went to The Today Show this morning to gather some footage.

A typical 5am wake up call featuring two degenerates and a gaggle of middle-aged mothers ready to drip at the mention of any celebrity. So I decided to wear my Sunday’s best for the upcoming content, and like 2 weeks ago when I dressed up for similar reasons, I got railroaded by my colleague for swimming in an unfitted suit. And believe me, when your appearance gets rightfully chirped by a man with eyes created by Jim Henson, you start to think twice about things.

I’ll be the first to admit I’m not a fashionista. This ensemble is for 2 things and 2 things only: Weddings and funerals. If that. Because I’ll be damned if I’m getting dressed up for my Drunk Uncle’s 4th matrimony at the local courthouse. And when my father dies it’ll basically be an extension of an Eagles tailgate with all the green jerseys and alcohol. Shit, the ashes will probably be spread in the Linc parking lot.

See, I’m a simple man with simpler pleasures. I’ve said it a billion times that my wardrobe could consist solely of Intramural t-shirts and mesh shorts. Up until I moved to this shit city I drove a 2003 shit Saab that literally froze up from the inside out. Christ, I’ve eaten canned tuna for a meal, including breakfast, more times than any human in developed country should ever admit. I simply don’t give a single FUCK about being on the wrong side of 30 and owning one ill-fitted suit. I may live my life as a goober, but at least a comfortable goob I shall remain.

However, Kmarko said it best on the latest Office Power Rankings: “You can’t be walking around the office looking like you just borrowed a suit from your dad to go interview for a temp job as a midlevel analyst at a no name firm in Midtown.” I’ve gone into and have been fired from way too many jobs like that to literally wear a reminder on my shoulder. Also, I realized I’m going to this big military charity ball on Friday with your favorite Zero Blog Thirty Captain, Connor (GREAT event for a better cause called Heal Our Heroes – Call To Arms Gala – Click Here if you’re interested 4 hr open bar and food ahoy). So, please Stoolies. Help you, help me. If there are any recommendations to grab a suit in Manhattan for tomorrow night’s extravaganza, please throw a brother a bone. I realize now I may be too old to drop by Marshalls (they still exist, right?) and swipe the first half decent looking jacket and slacks off the rack. But to be honest, that would still a better look than whatever Phil Dunphy look I had going earlier this year. Christ, Adam. Pick it up in life.