I Went To A Hockey Game In Brooklyn And We Are NOT In Boston Anymore

As some of you may have seen in this morning’s devastating Goalie Challenge video, the Pittsburgh (I typo’d that Pissburgh at first. Lol. I bet no one’s ever used that before, I’m trademarking it. That’s mine now) Penguins were in town last night and since I’m such a great guy, I went out to support the boys. Gotta make our guests feel at home, ya know?

Anyway, the Barclays Center is RIDICULOUS. Like, one of the most obnoxious, stupid buildings I’ve ever been in. It’s incredibly new money, like they know the content of their character ain’t shit so they try and give you the razzle dazzle on the outside. I’m talking cavernous entry ways, we’re architecture, fucking fake artifacts, or something, at the front door. It’s outrageous. The inside of the building is dark as shit with a cavernous feel, so cavernous that some of the seats straight up can’t see the goddamn net. Everything in the entire place is black, as if it’s a middle schooler trying to convince the world it’s edgy. It feels like you’re walking into a vampire’s lair and his trick to get your blood is to lull you to sleep with a shitty crowd and some bad sports teams.

The crowd was the most glaring difference between these places. You wouldn’t think that a late-20s white guy could have a culture shock at a hockey game but that’s exactly what happened. I couldn’t even focus on the ice because everything else happening around me was so overwhelming to my senses. There were yarmulkes EVERYWHERE, Indian dudes, Asian dudes, black women, all kinds of non-white people. Those folks like hockey? Who knew! Also Islanders fans show up very fashionably late, even to an 8 o’clock game (I believe our good friend Mo once said “Black People Time” is a thing so maybe there’s a connection between the crowd and the time? Not trying to be racist, just connecting some dots here). When the team was introduced there was so much added sound that it felt like I was listening to a morning drive talk show. “Ladies and gentlemen, your… New… York… Islanderssssss!!!! *train horn* *boat horn* *baby crying* *lions roaring* *Big Cat and PFT impersonating Stu Steiner* *crowd noise borrowed from the Indianapolis Colts* *New York traffic with a cabbie telling another cabbie to go fuck a goat* *Dance Hall horn*” All to prevent the people from realizing they were sitting in a vampire library. It was peanut butter and bananas.

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Basically the only similarity between Barclay’s and TD is the fact that there are tons of scalpers, only in Brooklyn they’re not portly 40 year olds from Southie. Also the home team won, which doesn’t happen too often in Boston anymore.