Barstool’s Champions League Preview – Matchday 5b

Sam's Army11/23/2016 6:26 PM

Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies

Hi haters,

BREAKING: Tottenham sucks at soccer. There, now that that’s out of the way let’s move right along to the teams and games that actually matter:

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CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

I’m supposed to already be on the road home to meet up with family and friends for some pre-Thanksgiving drinks and merriment so I’m going to have to keep this even more brief than those other times I said I’d have to keep things brief but inevitably didn’t… but here is what happened yesterday:

And here how the groups stand right now as we speak:

Groups A and D are pretty much done and dusted at this point when it comes to teams moving on (Arsenal and PSG in A and Atletico and Bayern in D), but there is still plenty to play for in terms of positioning – winning your group means [unless you are Barcelona] playing a weaker team next round, and of course there is the “honor” of playing Spursday Night Soccer still up for grabs for 3rd place finishers.

As for today’s schedule, here’s what we’ve got:

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WEDNESDAY’S PICKS

Arsenal [+160]
PSG [+200]
Draw [+230]

Big battle for control of Group A pitting two pretty evenly matched teams, except…

Wow. Michael Jackson touched little boys (allegedly) but was about to go on tour in London before croaking in 2009, yet Serge Aurier – who recently got a suspended sentence for punching a cop – had his visa suddenly revoked at the last minute, thus not allowing PSG’s starting wingback to play against Arsenal. I’m not saying there’s some sort of conspiracy and someone in the UK Home Office is a Gooner, I’m just saying it’d be easy to connect some dots here.

Regardless, the unsportingness of that move smacks of bad ju-jus with the soccer gods. Can’t win if the soccer gods are pissed at you. I’m going 2-2 draw.

Celtic [+1000]
Barcelona [-400]
Draw [+525]

Barcelona is coming off a very poor scoreless draw at home to Malaga on the weekend, albeit without their entire three-headed horsemen of the offensive apocalypse, all three of whom are expected to be back today. That and the 7-0 ass whooping the Catalans dished out last time these teams played means bad things ahead for Celtic – right?

Lemme ask you this: have you ever seen an angry, desperate Scottish person? I studied abroad in Glasgow and lemme tell you, I saw some heroin-addled homeless guys doing some crazy shit when itching for a fix… and that’s pretty much exactly where Celtic is at the moment, sitting at the bottom of the table with only two games left. Will the Bhoys win? Nahhhh, probably not. Could they draw? Mehhh, probably not. Then again, like I said, fuck with a frantic Scot at your own peril. Gimme a 1-1 draw.

A point?!

Other picks (gotta get one right eventually, after all):

• City [-135] can lock up a spot in the knockout stage with a win at Borussia Monchenpenisgladbach [+350] today and I’m not exactly sure what to think about this puppy. City has been a bit meh since their biggest win of the season over Barcelona three weeks ago, and Gladbach has been meh… well, pretty much all season. My strongest prediction is that FOX made a good decision in relegating this to the regional channels, but if I gotta give out a score I’ll go 2-1 win for City.

• Atletico [-300] just got curb-stomped by Real Madrid this weekend. Diego Simeone is out for blood. And by that I mean he’s going to slowly, painfully but meticulously bleed PSV [+950] dry on the way to a 1-0 win for Atleti.

• Napoli [-275] has been hit and miss lately but know they have a rough final game at Benfica on the final matchday making three points an imperative today against a game but overmatched Dynamo [+650] squad. Napoli to win 2-1.

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See, that was pretty brief for once, right? Anyway, quick reminder: we got another biggggggggggggggggg slate of games coming up tomorrow. Just kidding, it’s just some bunk ass Spursday soccer. Stay pumped for this weekend though.