Editor’s Note 1: This throwback was included in this morning’s Random Thoughts newsletter. If you aren’t subscribed, that means you also missed a new cartoon from Milmore, and that’s not something you want to miss. So subscribe now and be ahead of the game.
Editor’s Note 2: Can’t believe it’s been 3 years since I first wrote this blog. It was my 2nd month at Barstool, I’m not even sure if I was being paid yet, and it was the first time I included the 8-15 Miller Lites measurement, which is still the perfect range of beers for any occasion.
The age old question that has to be answered every year for the newbies who have been waiting for the day they can drink in front of their conservative grandmother and she can’t say anything about it. For those who are just realizing they have a big day tomorrow but don’t know what protocol is. There will always be the hardos who are like “you’re a pussy if you weren’t drinking when you were 15?, but you hardos are in the minority, I promise you that. So here is my answer: Pretty trashed.
The way to go about Thanksgiving is to drink all day while watching football, obviously. You start at noon, with Miller Lites (or your choice of light beer) and drink steadily til the meal, which if you’re white, is probably rather early, somewhere around the beginning of the 2nd football game. You have to drink light beers because you do not, under any circumstances, want to fill up before the turkey comes out. I guarantee the pilgrims would not be too happy if they knew you didn’t have your second helping of stuffing because you went with Guiness. Huge rookie mistake. Just not the way Thanksgiving was drawn up, and the last thing you want to do is disappoint the pilgrims. The perfect plan is you have 8-15 Miller Lites in order to have the slight spins when you sit down at the table and just get in that drunk eating zone. Like, where nothing else in the world matters, you are dialed in, ready to go. It’s your time to shine. You know that feeling when you’re drunk and you are in the perfect sexting zone? Where every word you send to the chick just feels right? That’s how you should feel when you sit down at the table. Pure bliss.
Besides how great it is to drink and watch football all day on a Thursday, the other reason it’s not only important, but necessary to be drunk at the table because it takes that sort of focus on the meal to dodge all the questions from your mom about how your ex girlfriend is doing. Like, thanks mom, no better time to ask about the girl that took a shit on you than at the Thanksgiving dinner table, huh? Gotta be prepared for that. Gotta be ready for Grandma’s racial slurs, and if god forbid you’re a chick, the “why aren’t you married yet?” questions. Being sober at Thanksgiving? No thank you.
PS: Addition for 2016- I wrote this when I was a young 24. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. And I wrote it for the young bucks who are just turning 21, and I nailed it if I don’t say so myself.
However, I’m an old 28 now. So for my old hats, IPAs and wine are more than acceptable for people our age, us geezers. But keep in mind that you need to do it right, so you aren’t too tired at the meal. You need to be buzzing, not snoozing while shoveling stuffing and cranberry sauce into your beak. So may I suggest a cup of coffee around 1:30 to keep you going, powering through. Coffee with beer, you’re in the clear.