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The Chick From Matilda And Mrs. Doubtfire Calls Philly People Assholes; 593 Words On Why She's Right

Mara Wilson, Mara Wilson. Where do I know that name? Aah yes, the impossibly cute little girl from Mrs. Doubtfire and Matilda who grew up to be a shovel-faced, shit-opinioned, entitled little washed up, wrung-out, can’t-get-work-ass, blaming-everyone-else-for-her-problems-ass bitch. I remember her now. I’m sorry, do I sound like an asshole? Because there are two things that can happen when you call someone an asshole. One, they can take the high road, absorb your shitty stupid insult, and go on with their lives. Or two, they can fire right back and not let someone talk shit to them, which in most cases causes them to act like assholes.

And guess what Mara? There are 6,069,875 people in the greater Philly metropolitan area. 6, 069,000 of them probably took the first option, the high road, and completely ignored what you had to say, and saw your outburst for what it was, a personal problem that you externalized, taking it out on the entire city because someone probably chirped you about Brucey finishing a chocolate cake and you couldn’t take it because of your own insecurities about the turn away from stardom that your life has taken.


Simply put, calling someone an asshole, especially an entire group of people, especially out of the blue, is an asshole move in and of itself. So by calling Philly people assholes, making blanket statements about an entire group of people (uhh hey Mara it’s 2016, bigoted much?), she is in turn lumping herself in with the assholes.

Then she almost burst her Achilles trying to backpedal.

Because she realized that the all-encompassing rhetoric she was pumping out was the exact same kind of bullshit she probably went hoarse (no face joke) protesting against.

And the kicker.

Oooooh, that’s all it is. We haven’t earned being assholes. Tell me again what people in New York did to earn acting like an asshole? Because the sidewalks are densely populated? Well, please, let us know what hardships we need to endure before we can have your blessing to live our lives. There’s nothing passionate or impulsive about Philadelphia’s assholeness, even though you’re probably saying this because some impassioned Eagles fan impulsively asked you why you loved Pierce Brosnan so much when Robin Williams was your real dad.

Does Philly have the same amount of famous people as New York or LA? No. So might people react outwardly when they see a famous person? Yes. But how the fuck are you trying to be famous and then getting upset when people notice who you are? Oh because people didn’t address you in your preferred safe-space terminology? For someone calling people assholes, Mara Wilson is shockingly full of shit.

Oh you poor little flower. So it’s not your fault that you are acting this way, it’s just the powers that be that are forcing you to act like this because they don’t understand you. Yeah, white women are really coming under siege in the year 2016. Either that or white women are historically the most coddled, protected demographic in the history of mankind. One or the other.

Because the fact is that Philly is a beautiful city that is getting even nicer and more worldly, and most people are actually not assholes. But I want the shoe to fit today, so I’ll take up the flag for the city as one of the ‘bad apples’ and say, yeah, I am an asshole. But only to people who deserve it. And you, Mara, deserve it. So you and Justin Pugh can go suck a dick together.