Barstool’s Official Preview of “DOS a CERO” (aka USA versus Mexico)

Sam’s Soccer Safe Space for Stoolies

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Hi haters,

So here we are, a nation divided. People are angry. People are fed up. People are scared. An egomaniacal Cheeto will be given the launch codes and free rein to start dropping nukes on anyone who has ever wronged him on twitter in T-minus 69 days – “nice” – and college students across the country have been huddled up in their safe spaces crying about it for the better part of a week now.

There is only one thing that can bring us together as Americans: beating Mexico.

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I don’t ask for much, but do this for me (and for you): assuming you are not already in or the way to Columbus, make plans to meet your friends out to a neighborhood [soccer-friendly] watering hole, grab yourself some drinks, and prepare to revel with fellow countrymen in just how great this country can be.

Unfortunately, because Trump has yet to Make American Soccer Great Again, many bars are probably not going to be playing the sound for the game so if you are like me and absolutely, positively need the audio then please pay particularly close attention to the “soccer-friendly” part… here in Chicago you can count on the usual places like AJ Hudson’s, The Globe and Fado’s (to name just a few) to provide the full game night experience. I also have it on very – very – good authority that everybody’s favorite Irish pub in the heart of Old Town, Declan’s Bar & Grill, will be doing so as well.

Thus, for at least one night let’s all join together as one big happy red, white and blue family and bask in the glory of a Jozy Altidore, Bobby Wood and Christian Pulisic-led gangbang of the narco-state to our south.

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In case you are looking for a little boner-making material to get you in the ‘MERICA mood:

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USMNT

Before we get to the discussion about the relevance and strategery of today’s game, have you ever wondered where that whole “Dos A Cero” thing came from? Well here’s a comprehensive highlights package, including all FOUR 2-0 wins that took place in Columbus as well as the one that Mexico’s ass is perpetually chapped about (rightfully so) from the 2002 World Cup:

As most of you likely know but I’ll explain briefly anyway for the n00bs in our midst, tonight’s game is the first of 10 the USMNT will play against the five other countries that advanced to the hexagonal (“hex” for short), which is the final round of CONCACAF qualifying for the 2018 World Cup in Mother Russia. The last round of games is scheduled for next October, at which point the top three teams will automatically advance and 4th place will play Asia’s 5th place team in a home-and-home playoff for the right to make the big dance.

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US, Mexico and Costa Rica are the traditional favorites to make the World Cup. But in a world where EPLeicester just won the league, the Cubs just won the World Series, and a reality TV “star” with small genitals and a penchant for raping immigrants and hating women – or is that backwards? – just won the White House, I think it’s fair to say that anything can and probably will happen.

So now that everybody is up to speed on what is what in the big picture, let’s hone more specifically in on…

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4-US-MEX
Time: 6:45pm CT
TV: Fox Sports 1

USMNT vs El Tri, otherwise known as the most important event in American history this week – and it’s not even close.

O rly? Gfy

O rly? Gfy

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LINEUP

The roster that Jurgy called in is so full of good young talent that you can’t help but be excited for the future of the USMNT. So what XI is JK likely to go with?

To start off, let’s assume he isn’t going to get all fancy on us and will instead stick with a 4-4-2. If he does something stupid like go 4-5-1 in a home game like this he should be fired on the spot.

As for the personnel, there are by my count seven players who are absolutely locked in to a specific position. These include Altidore and Wood up top, Pulisic and Bradley in the midfield, John Brooks and DeAndre Yedlin in defense, and Tim Howard as GK. (Note: Fabian Johnson will be in the XI, though where could be TBD.)

This is my PREFERRED starting XI:

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However, this is the starting XI that I’m guessing JK will go with:

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BIG QUESTIONS

(1) Who plays with Bradley at center midfield?

My guess is JK goes with the experience of Jermaine Jones. It would not be my first choice because it forces Bradley to play more offensively where he has consistently shit the bed for the NT. Then again, Kljestan just broke his nose in an MLS playoff game and at the very least will likely come in for Jones in the second half, whose fitness for 90-minutes is a bit questionable.

(2) Assuming Pulisic plays on left wing rather than pushed up into the attack, who plays opposite him in the midfield?

Fabian Johnson is very likely the best all-around player on the team and I’d love for him to play left midfield where he excels for Borussia Monchenpenisgladbah. HOWEVER, I don’t like the options at left back if you push him up. So assuming Pulisic is locked in at left midfield, who plays on the right? Julian Green has been playing well and should get some consideration, and Graham (Saint) Zusi is an option, but Ale Bedoya provides by far the best cover defensively among the candidates, which could be important against a Mexico team that has a lot of weapons going forward.

(3) Brooks plus who in the center of defense?

Geoff Cameron was too hungover from the “Lock Her Up” after-party to make the roster so that leaves Matt Besler, Omar Gonzalez and Steve Birnbaum as the options. I’d prefer Besler who has been more consistent but will acknowledge that Gonzo – despite his propensity for looking like a newborn baby giraffe at least twice a game – has thrived in Liga MX this season. My guess is, especially against Mexico, JK opts for Gonzo.

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THINGS TO WATCH

• Brooks/CB2 versus Chicarito/Peralta – impossible to deny that Mexico has some serious offensive talent right now, with a good combination of speed (Chica) and guile (Peralta). Add in Andres Guardado and young studs like Jesus Corona in the midfield and our center backs are going to have to play near flawlessly, and will need help from guys like Bedoya and Jones and/or Bradley.

• I’m not saying that Mexican GK Alfredo Talavera is going to let in a howler, but given his comparative lack of experience versus Guillermo “Pube Puff” Ochoa, I’m saying there’s a chance.

Gone but not forgotten

Gone but not forgotten

• Bradley versus Guardado – the more influential of the two will likely dictate which team wins, and which gets deported.

• The “Columbus factor” – El Tri reportedly brought in sports psychologists to help psych the team up because they have repeatedly gotten their asses handed to them in this specific venue. Mexican mental midgetry at its finest.

PREDICTION:

USMNT to win DOS a CERO.

I mean, was that even in doubt?

I mean, was that even in doubt?

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There you have it. We got Costa Rica on the road on Tuesday so rest up… just kidding, its Friday afternoon, why aren’t you at the bar getting lubed up for the game yet???

Someone tell Donald we already got a wall

Someone tell Donald we already got a wall


Holler,
Samuel Army