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The End Of An Era: Big Sexy Bartolo Colon Is Signing With The Braves

I’ll be honest – this is the worst news I’ve gotten in a long, long time. I really genuinely mean that. I knew it was highly highly likely the Mets werent going to sign him, but now that its official I’m pretty heartbroken. On a lot of different levels. Level Number 1 is a baseball thing. Bartolo can still flat out fucking pitch. Hes a WORKHORSE. He’s gonna die on the mound. No doubt in my mind Tolo is good for at least another 6 seasons if he wants. The Mets have compiled a Mr. Glass rotation where virtually every pitcher has needed surgery or is on the verge of surgery. Some have had multiple operations. Like one time in this small window of opportunity have the Mets ever trotted out all 4 guys in order with no injuries and that was the NLCS last year. Bartolo is actually the EXACT type of guy they need. He was by far their most consistent arm all year this season. Hes a rock on the mound and in the clubhouse. This will be a very big mistake by the Mets.

Number 2 is from a pure entertainment value. Bartolo Colon is the funniest athlete in sports history. I’m willing to take it there. You tuned in to Bartolo starts because you knew you were gonna get sex and a third of junk, a highlight reel in the field, and a level of unintentional humor nobody could bring to the game. His at bats were MUST WATCH TV. Him running the bases was mesmerizing. In the field it was like watching a symphony play music. You laughed, you cheered. And when he went deep at Petco Park, you maybe even cried. No player evoked emotion like that.

Number 3 is that hes signing with the fucking Braves. I mean goddamit. Short of the Nationals or the Yankees this is it. This is as bad as it gets. The fucking BRAVES. I am contractually obligated to hate EVERYONE that puts on an Atlanta Braves uniform. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?? Its in the division, to one of the worst most hatable franchises in the world. Braves fans dont give a FUCK about their team. They do NOT deserve a guy like Big Sexy. They will never appreciate his greatness.

And finally, on a personal level, I’m sad to see this guy go. I hitched my wagon to Bartolo I’d say on Day 2. Day 1 I was actually making fun of the Mets. I clowned on them for thinking he was a way to build for the future. And by Day 2 I realized something special was happening. I realized Bartolo was timeless. He was ageless. I gave him the nickname Big Sexy and from that day forth he and I were inexorably linked. Whenever Bartolo did something, everyone immediately turned to see how I’d react. When he did good, when he did bad, when is second family surfaced. When he struck out, when he got a hit. When he ran the bases, when he flipped balls behind his back. And then, the home run. The home run that I actually missed. A defining moment in my life. We sold shirts, we made money. We had endless amounts of laughs. We took the nickname Big Sexy mainstream. And most importantly we did it all while making playoff runs.

Watching Bartolo Colon’s 3rd (4th? 5th? 6th?) act was a pleasure and an honor. It was filled with legitimate great baseball and even higher comedy. I’ll miss Tolo more than I’ve ever missed any other player. He’s my favorite athlete ever and I’ve never been more sure that the Mets will rue the day they let Big Sexy walk to the Braves.


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