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Squirrels Are Now Attacking Humans So It's Time To Fight Back


Florida – Three people were injured when a squirrel attacked them at a senior center in Volusia County.

“It’s jumping on people and biting them and scratching them, so we need help,” a 911 caller said. WESH-TV obtained the 911 call made when the squirrel began attacking people at the retirement community…

…The incident happened at the Sterling Court Gracious Retirement Living in Deltona. Two residents and a staff member suffered from serious squirrel bites.

Has anybody in the world ever made a bigger mistake than this shithead squirrel who decided to go rogue and attack a bunch of old people? I really don’t think so. For years, humans and squirrels have had this unspoken agreement. We let them go through our trash. We let them dart out in the middle of the street and try to avoid turning them into road kill. (Sidenote: I’m pretty sure squirrels have to be fucking with us at this point. I mean they wait until you’re 10 feet away before they cross the street. They know we’re not trying to hit them and they just want to see how close they can get).

All we ask in return is that they not act like a bunch of assholes. Just be cool. But now… well now that agreement is null and void all thanks to this Big Dick Rick. Jumping on people, biting them, scratching them. Just being a real cock sucker. So now that the agreement is no more, consider squirrels fair game. We gotta go out there and set the tone. Let them know that this kind of behavior doesn’t fly around here. Hope they’re hungry for a few Goodyear sandwiches.