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Barstool’s Champions League Preview – Matchday 4b (aka The “UCLeicester vs EPLeicester” Edition)

Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies


Hi haters,

Sometimes Champions League doesn’t deliver. Yesterday it did. It’s unfortunate (though not surprising) that the 19-year-old virgins who have returned with a vengeance to the newly refurbished comment section are too busy writing things like “soccer suks fight me pussies” because if only they watched a game as good as yesterday’s City vs Barrrrrrrrtha game they might actually appreciate why 90% of the world is obsessed with the sport.

Ah well, just leaves more soccer for the rest of us to enjoy.




In case you missed it (shame on you), here’s what happened yesterday:


Aside from the titillating soccer on the field, there are conflicting rumors about some sort of altercation involving Argentina teammates Lionel Messi and Sergio Aguero after the game.


Could make the World Cup qualifier coming up on November 10 – note: one day before the next edition of Dos a Cero – all the more interesting…


Anyway, after yesterday’s results, Groups A through D look like this:


But enough about the old shit. Let’s talk about today. Here is how Groups E through H look right now:


The quick and dirty breakdown of the situation is as follows:

Group E: TOTALLY up for grabs, everybody’s alive, nobody’s dead, and Spurs have managed to be [spoiler!] their predictably unpredictable often bad but sometimes good and usually okay but always frustrating selves.

Group F: Real and BVB have run out to commanding leads. Sporting is in a must-win situation today (at BVB) if they want a shot at advancing.

Group G: UCLeicester (not to be confused with its fat, ugly step-sister EPLeicester) has all but punched its ticket while Porto and Copenhagen are fighting for the second slot.

Group H: Same as F only it is Juve and Sevilla who have run out in front, with Lyon in a must-win today (at Juve) to retain a shot at the knockouts.

As for the midweek schedule in front of us, this is what we’ve got:


[IMPORTANT SCHEDULING REMINDER: daylight savings has apparently happened in Europe but not in the US, thus why the kickoffs are an hour later than usual this week. Plan accordingly.]



Tottenham [-105]
Bayer [+290]
Draw [+250]

Not gonna lie, though are some solid odds on Bayer for anybody looking for a tasty little upset. Spurs’ management is eschewing White Hart Lane in the Champions League for the greener financial environs of Wembley, where the atmosphere is about as lively as Russell Wilson’s 2015 sex life and the club laid a serious egg its first time out against Monaco.

I’ve heard a lot of people suggesting this is a “must-win” game for Spurs, but that is probably false given that the four clubs in a bunch and there are still two games left to play. Calling it a “can’t-lose” would be more appropriate. Same can basically be said for Bayer, though the club is in a slightly tougher position being a point down.

At full strength Spurs are the stronger side. I’m not saying that as a homer, that’s just a fact. However, the home team will be without Toby Alderweireld and Harry Kane (who could posssssssibly be back for the game this weekend – not that he’d be needed as we have an easy win ahead), leaving big holes at the back and front, respectively. Eric Dier has done a commendable job filling in at centerback. Vincent Janssen has – aside from flopping his balls off and winning a PK against EPLeicester at the weekend – been about as useful as a sad wet fart this season. In fact, Spurs’ entire offensive strategy at the moment seems to be “fall down in the box and hope for a penalty”… let’s just say it’s been a rough month since the 2-0 demolition of City.

As for today, Tottenham and Bayer fought to a scoreless draw last time out in Germany two weeks ago and it would (or at least should) surprise approximately nobody if that happens again. To be fair, Ze Germans were unlucky not to have scored at least once in the first leg, and could have notched as many as two or three. So do I love Spurs to win? Oh good god no. Do I like them? Not even sure I’d go that far. But my guess is they will do a better job of shutting Chicarito down this time and score of some sort of ugly deflection from Danny Rose or Kyle Walker (or perhaps our best friend Owen Goale), and hang on for dear life. Spurs to win 1-0.




Juventus [-265]
Lyon [+825]
Draw [+375]

The Frenchies put on a surprisingly strong showing last matchday (falling 1-0), and will benefit from the continued absences of Paolo Dybala and Giorgio Chiellini for Old Lady. Will it be enough for the visitors to keep up? Nah, Dybala was hot so that definitely changes the Italian’s approach up top, but they still oughta be able to net at least a couple between Mario Mandzukic and Stay-Puft Marshmalluaín. Juventus to win 2-1.



Mo’ picks (gotta get one right eventually… that’s how math works):

• As I mentioned in the last UCL blog, Monaco [-170] has been more all over the place than just about anybody this season. Snaking a 1-0 win at Spurs is impressive, getting worked by Nice 0-4 is not. Spanking Metz 7-0 is swell, losing 3-1 to Toulouse is not. Today they welcome CSKA [+500] two weeks after drawing 1-1 with the Russkis, who just haven’t been able to put it together of late. Thus, while I will be rooting for Putin & Co., and it is not out of the question for the Frenchies to pull a total no-show, it seems unlikely in this one. Monaco to win 2-0.

• It took me (and my crack staff) many, many hours of research but I finally cracked the code on Dortmund [-270]. The secret to their success – and making money off of it – is as follows (it’s a bit complicated but read through it a couple times and it’ll start to make sense):

(Same formula applies for USMNT, btw)

(Same formula applies for USMNT, btw)

Plot twist: if I am being honest I don’t hate Sporting [+650] in this one, if only because they have a waaaaaay better shot at walking away with a win than the bookmakers are giving them credit for. The Portuguese side almost did just that when they traveled to Madrid a month ago, and as intimidating as BVB’s stadium is I’d rather face that than have to play Real at the Bernabeu all day errday. Thus, given the less than appetizing odds on BVB, sprinkling a little something on Sporting is probably the way to go… but for the sake of an official pick I’ll say Dortmund to win 2-1.

• UCLeicester [+200] is not the same thing as EPLeicester. One is good. One is not so good. Something tells me that with the group all but wrapped up the wrong Foxy side may show up today. Copenhagen played looked surprisingly competent in the reverse fixture in England, and the Danes desperately need a result in this one to keep pace with Porto, who will be playing wee Brugge in Iberia. Copenhagen to win 3-1.

• Ah yes, speaking of Brugge [+950] visiting Porto [-360], I’ve got a little secret for you. You have to promise to keep it just between you and me though.


Brugge suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkks. They gon’ get spanked. Porto to win 3-0.

‘member me?

‘member me?


Reminder: got another biggggggggg slate tomorrow…. Just kidding! It’s only Europa.


However, if the Fenerbahçe/United game itself doesn’t exactly send a rush of blood to your ladyparts then you and your friends could always try the time-honored parlor game of “So how many fans are going to get knifed this time at the English/Turkish match?” Fun for the whole family! (The O/U is currently 7, btw.)

Also, in case you are already sad because the World Series is over and your beloved football team sucks (looking at you Chicago), don’t worry, there’s still something to look forward to this weekend – provided you can wake your happy ass up for the 6am CT kickoff:


Sam U.L. Army