Typically once the 4:30 CBS game ends and I hear the 60 Minutes clock ticking I reach for my remote in a panic, almost like Seinfeld just ended and Big Bang is about to start. I change the channel as fast as I can just to make sure that I don’t accidentally learn anything while watching television. But, since I hate the NFL and it’s boring as fuck now, I’m not in such a rush to get over the NBC anymore. So last night I left CBS on and got madder than any 6-6 shitty game could have ever made me.
I don’t typically hate people. I dislike almost everyone, but a deep, burning hatred is rare for me. You’ve really gotta earn that switch from, “Eh, I don’t really give a fuck about that person,” to, “I hope everything that person loves dies horribly.” It often takes a long, long time to get me to that point, but Logan Paul achieved such a feat in one sentence last night. I’d never heard of this 21 year old who hasn’t heard that the Bieber hairstyle went out like a decade ago, but as soon as they showed some of his videos I knew I was no fan of his. When he finally opened his mouth I became enraged. While he sat there listing buzzwords like he was at a Silicon Valley conference (“Slapstick with a sense of wit, fun– high energy.”) I had already begun fantasizing about how I’d kill him. When he said he’s worth three time $200k for a day’s work, I started considering making that dream a reality.
There is NOTHING appealing about this kid. He’s not funny, he’s not witty, he’s extremely punchable, and yet he’s also extremely rich. I didn’t plan on reaching the “goddamn kids!” stage of my life for at least another decade, but this is some bullshit. Fuck anyone who’s made this kid popular. Fuck anyone who’s made the King Bach dude popular. Fuck anyone who’s made that girl who just lip synchs popular. “Vine stars” is the most trigger warning worthy phrase I’ve ever heard in my life and I despise all of them with a passion I didn’t even know that I possessed. When Kim Kardashian ends a segment and makes you think, “Now there’s someone who I can respect,” you know the other people are TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE wastes of life who deserve nothing good in this world.