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Throwback From Today's "Random Thoughts"...Kmarko's Unwritten Rules Of The Gym

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From 2011…back when I used to go to the gym.

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Mo posted this picture on Philly and I could not be more pumped because it reminded me of a blog I’ve been meaning to write.  The Unwritten Rules of the Gym.  Listen I’m no gym rat muscle head by any means.  I’m not down in the dungeon doing 5 billion reps for 4 hours slugging protein shakes in between sets.   Pretty much the average, common 20-something bro when it comes to working out.  4 or 5 times a week, put in 45 min to an hour just keeping that shit toned and in relatively good shape.  I’m not training for football season anymore or getting ready for the Ironman.  I’m training for looking OK when a chick takes my shirt off and for not dying at age 45 of a heart attack.  

So from that point of the view here are some important rules to remember next time you’re getting a pump in…

1)  No work clothes. Just get a terrible vibe from a guy lifting weights in an Oxford tucked into khaki pants and work boots.  Reminds me of playing basketball in college.  Show up to the courts to run some pickup games and there was always the staple Asian team in the corner looking to run.  Like they just wrapped up badminton club 10 minutes ago and wanted to get a hoops game in.  One of them would always be wearing a polo tucked into cargo pants and glasses.  And that guy would without fail accidentally punch me in the face or elbow me or injure somebody by the end of the game because he didn’t know what he was doing, 100% of the time.   Basically if you’re not wearing the appropriate gear for the activity you’re doing somebody is going to get hurt somehow.

2) No talking to strangers. There’s some dude at my gym that walks around talking to everybody every single day.  I’m like 99% sure he’s not gay.  Not like hitting on people or anything.  Just way too fuckin friendly.  Came up to me while I was doing curls asking me where I got my sneakers.  Umm I don’t know bro.  The sneaker store.  Fuck out of my face.  I don’t pay 70 bucks a month to make friends like I’m at an ice cream social or something.  I want to bust these exercises out then go get drunk with the friends I already have.

3) Don’t Offer Workout Tips. This actually should have been #1 now that I think about it.  The guy who comes up to you while you’re in the middle of a set and waits for you to finish then gives you a pointer on how to improve that particular workout.  Like “I noticed you were going with a close grip, try widening your hands and rotating your wrists more to hit the upper trapezal muscles more.”  Hey man I’m really glad you found a way to work out your upper trapezal muscles in your personal workouts but last I checked I didn’t sign up for your individual training session so do me a favor and let me do what I want to do?  Do I come up to you when you’re fucking your wife and tell you how to switch up your dick position to hit the G spot more?  No I let you do your own shit and mind my own business, I suggest you do the same.

4)  Don’t Flex In The Mirror. I think people that walk up to a mirror and flex their muscles are totally obnoxious.  Squeezing their bis and tris making faces and shit.  But that doesn’t even hold a candle to the assholes who lift their shirts up and check out their abs after every set of sit ups.  Get over yourself pretty boy. 

This opinion subject to change if I ever get abs.

[2016 update: never got abs.]

5)  Don’t Sing Out Loud To Your iPod. A little grunting is understandable.  You’re working out hard getting all pumped and shit pushing a bunch of 45 pound plates over your head.  Some noise is gonna happen.  But what doesn’t under any circumstance have to happen is singing out loud to your iPod like the guy at my gym who sings the Beach Boys during squats.  Not sure how many times he can listen to California Girls at the gym.  Been going on for like 2 years now.  You’d think he’d get sick of that particular song or maybe realize the Beach Boys aren’t primetime workout music.  Swear to god there’s a guy who sings out loud to his TECHNO MUSIC too.  Like the kind that’s straight beats, no words.  In other words there is nothing to actually sing.  Bro literally sings the beats out loud.

6) Don’t Be Naked In The Steam Room. Do I need to expand on that one?  Don’t be fucking naked in the steam room.  Can’t believe I even have to say that.  It’s not even a gym rule.  It’s public decency.   Wrap a fucking towel around your waist.  How hard is that.  Pretty sure I died a little bit inside the day I stumbled into the steam room, squinted through the steam to see what seats were open, and some asshole was doing fucking Yoga stretches butt naked on the top row.  Downward Facing Dick all over the fuckin place.

7)  Don’t Compliment Me On My Form. I don’t think this one is that common but I had to include it.  I tweeted about this a few months ago but basically I was doing incline situps when I noticed some old guy was staring at me.  Like hovering a few feet away not doing anything but watch me through the mirror.   Finally came over and made me take my headphones out and said “sorry to bother you.  But I just wanted to say.  That is perfect sit up form.”  Then walked away.  Hey thanks Sit-Up Ambassador.  Glad I got your stamp of approval on my crunches.  Just a head up though you’re not going to fuck me by leering over me and complimenting my stomach exercise techniques.  At least buy a bro a Muscle Milk at the juice bar first.

You got any gym pet peeves?  Weird shit going down at your gym?   Add it to the comments…