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How I Saved Someone's Life By Fat Shaming

drill

So I’ve been writing at Barstool here and there since June, mostly covering Sixers stuff, so its understandable if you haven’t read my shit or if you don’t know who I am. A pretty persistent reaction to almost every piece I post is “who the fuck are you?” A completely a fair question, even despite previous introductions by both Smitty and myself. Usually when people ask me who I am or what I do, it’s easier to show people than to tell them, so I show them this video.

Me just being brutally mean to a fat guy. The video got all kinds of crazy reactions, but the true madness didn’t start until about a year after the video came out. I started getting messages from people saying that the video had helped them lose weight. At first I thought nothing of it, that they were just being funny saying that they put down the cheeseburgers or whatever. But then I started getting pictures. Like legitimate before and after pictures like it was fucking Dan Marino on Nutrisystems. Testimonials, everything.

Then, yesterday, I got the craziest one of all. A lovely young lady name Gaye Winetraub poured her heart out about how life changing this all was. Here, I’ll let you read:

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One hundred and one point two pounds. Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, thats awesome for Gaye, I hope she’s loving her new, hot, svelte self. But more importantly, for me?? This is a lot of power that I didn’t even know I had. I can change, not only people’s minds, but people’s bodies? I feel like fucking Magneto now, with the ability to mold humans at my very whim. So I guess my question is, what should I do with my new ability to melt weight off of people simply though the spoken word? Do I start life coaching? Do I start rattling off infomercials promising results? All those guys are selling are before and after pictures with testimonials and now I have those too. Do I apply to be a coach on the Biggest Loser and go toe to toe with Jillian Michaels? Teach that bitch a thing or two about how to motivate someone? Should I just say fuck it and become a drill sergeant for the Marines and sculpt young American noodles and neckbeards into heroes, while simultaneously becoming a hero myself?

I’m paralyzed by all the options.