Barstool Update - Zonker, The Best Barstool Writer You've Never Heard Of Is Still Doing Zonker Things
So veteran Stoolies may recall who Zonker is. He’s kind of like a a Barstool myth. An urban legend if you will. A guy who is only talked about in hushed tones in the dark corners of the internet. All we know for sure is that Zonker owns the domain name barstool.com and has made a habit of responding to Stoolies who send in tips to the wrong email address. For the past 5 years or so anytime emails to firstname.lastname@example.org Zonker gets it and responds to them. I blogged about him back and 2011 and haven’t mentioned him since. But apparently Zonker is still doing Zonker things. Still one of the weirdest quirks of the Barstool empire. The mysterious ways of Zonker.
I tried sending you guys a tip and sent it to the wrong e-mail. Check out the reply from this smudge
Begin forwarded message:
Date: November 22, 2014 at 2:15:13 AM EST
To: Shawn McDevitt
Subject: Your Email to Barstool
I have been monitoring these emails randomly for several years and I think I finally figured out who you are.
Your that guy who passes out at the party and when his friends do all sorts of humiliating and gross things to you while recording it, you proudly post the video yourself.
You think every halfway decent looking (and some not even) co-ed is a “smoke” and think she is worth posting to an Internet that is full of actual beautiful women. You like girls much younger than you because they’re only a little more mature than you.
You fixate on getting laid even though its something you hardly remember actually doing because the few times you have you were so drunk you can’t really remember it. Your either a self loathing homosexual or just haven’t figured it out yet. Its why your homophobic
You lie and brag about all the women you’ve gotten that you haven’t really gotten. Its pretty obvious to everyone but no one has the heart to tell you.
Actually its not about heart they just like watching you be a fool.
You’ll find yourself doing grunt work or all the types of people you make fun of.
You whine a lot. Your one of the dumbest sports fans in existence.
Basically your that loser who just can’t see what a loser they are. Even
though everyone else knows. You know the type, there’s a reason your friends with so many
So your trying to get to the right place but unsurprisingly your not competent enough to type the right email address. So I’m going to explain where you went wrong. I’ll type slowly so you can read slowly enough to understand:
the address you want is tips@barstoolSPORTS.com. The capitalized part (the part in bigger letters) is very important. You left it out in your first email and now you are subject to ridicule (oh hell you probably are totally desensitized* to it by now) and god only knows what will be done with YOUR EMAIL address.
So try again and please include a copy of this email. Who knows maybe you’ll win a prize in some contest that hasn’t been thought up yet.
*you can’t feel it because so much of your social interaction (stuff with people) is you being ridiculed** that it just seems like normal to you.
**made fun of, laughing at you not with you.
Fucking Zonker man. Ruthless.
So I’ve been meaning to write this blog forever. To introduce the Stoolies to my man Zonker. Who is Zonker you ask? Well I really have no idea. All I know is he must own the domain name barstool.com and he must have a shit ton of time on his hands. Because for roughly the past three years every time somebody screws up our email address and sends an email to email@example.com Zonker gets it and responds with some wise ass comment and he always cc’s me on them. I’ve never emailed him back. We’ve never spoken. But for as long as I can remember he’s done this. Yesterday Kmarko freaked out because he thought his email got hacked. I was like relax bro. That’s only Zonker doing his thing….
Anyway here is just a bunch of samples I grabbed from the last couple days to give you a feel for his game…
Sent: Monday, July 11, 2011 1:56 AM
Subject: Kate Upton
Viva La Stool. If you haven’t seen this already i hope you enjoy. Kate is one of my all time favorite smokes.
I guess if you cant get real girls you might as well fantasize about a princess. Maybe you can get a Kate doll
Sent: Monday, July 11, 2011 8:17 PM
Subject: Beirut slam dunk
Yo pres the stools cool whatever. This is a video of my buddy, nobodys playing but look at this kids ups
Mike and dan, Yarmouth Maine
ps Yarmouth clam fest is this weekend come if you want to get fucked up
you really think anyone wants to hang with you and your stupid buddy?
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2011 9:59 AM
Thanks for getting back to me! No worries about the delay, I am sure you are busy and the last thing on your mind is checking facebook messages. So I think I told you I’m currently interning in a fashion closet at XX magazine, which I’ve fully come to realize is something I really don’t want to do. I’ve always wanted to write for a men’s magazine, like Esquire or GQ, but I’m looking now more towards the web since there’s so much more writing involved. I’ve never worked for a website though, so I thought (if you find you have free time) we could maybe meet for lunch or drinks sometime and you could tell me about your experience in web. Its intimidating entering this kind of field, and always helps to get advice and hear stories from people who have actually found jobs they love. Since Barstool is the kind of site I’d love to work for, I’d really love to hear about your experience.
Let me know your thoughts, and maybe we can set up a time to meet up! Again, thanks for taking the time to message me back.
what r u willing to do to get the job?
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 9:44 PM
Subject: Leisure Dive!
What do you think of my leisure dive?
Mommy mommy look at me…..grow up
Sent: Friday, July 8, 2011 11:27 PM
Subject: Petey interview
Watch the Petey interview….Katy Perry’s hot ass sister is living on Dustin’s package. She could care less about what he’s saying. I need a full frontal of her immediate.
you need a lot more than that dude
From: Michael Morrill
Wow…harsh. Does ur boss know you talk to readers like that? Wasn’t looking to take ur sweet blog thunder bro…..whoever u are….zonker?
Yo if you still haven’t figured out that you mis-addressed your email and that I have nothing to do with barstoolsports than your dumber than most of their readers…..and that’s saying something