Am I crazy in thinking that Brad Pitt must be doing back flips right now? I’ll answer that for you, no I’m not. Brad Pitt married the crazy, hot chick. He married the chick with a rocking body and mouth lips fatter than vagina lips. That ain’t who Angelina Jolie is today. Now she’s less about being sexy and more about wearing burkas around the world while she grabs kids off the shelf like she’s bargain shopping. That ain’t what Brad signed up for. He’s a chill dude from Oklahoma who just likes to be suave, smoke weed, and hang out with his celebrity friends.
I’m actually shocked this relationship even lasted this long. When you’re dating a smoking hot chick you’ll always adopt and tolerate some of her habits. You’ll watch her stupid tv shows, eat dinner at her weird restaurants, grab drinks with her shitty friends, but every man’s gotta draw a line in the sand somewhere and there’s no doubt that when you wake up one morning with your kids Shiloh, Maddox, Zahara, Pax, Knox, and Vivieene… a gaggle that a college brochure would KILL to have so they could show their diversity… then you know you stuck around this relationship for far, far too long. Brad Pitt didn’t sign up to kidnap kids who live on 15 cents a day, he signed up to fuck the chick so hot she’ll make you cheat on your wife, and the chick so crazy in the sack she’ll make you leave your wife.
And the best part? She divorced him! He doesn’t have to deal with everyone calling him the bad guy like they did when he left Jennifer Aniston. He doesn’t have to deal with people saying he’s a scumbag who divorced Angelina because she got a mastectomy. He wins in absolutely every facet of this. No more refugee trips where he comes home with a kid where most people come home with a t-shirt, no more dealing with the insane woman, and no bad blood from the female community. Brad Pitt wins every single aspect of this situation. Good for him, guy with a face like that could use a break.