Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Andrew Luck is a bust.
He reads too much. He’s almost too smart. If you spend all your time thinking your never going to know anything. There was a reason why back in the old days the Catholic Church wouldnt let its poor parishioners learn how to read- its because the Pope knew it would be dangrous to give all that power to freaks whose parents weren’t even part of any secret society. Jesus on a whim decided to spend 33 years on earth playing “She’s All That” with humanities soul and all he got for it was tortured and killed when he could of been in heaven playing xbox with Socrates. And if the unwashed masses started to figure that out they realize there’s no chance he would come back down here again.
Sometimes- dumb is better.
We all know Luck’s a reader. Rod Stewart use to say “Turn the Page” but Luck takes this too far and thinks “Its late September and I should be back at school” dominating his textbooks instead of his opponents. The fact of the matter is that Luck is to smart to be a good NFL QB. His internal monologe is basically just the equation on the chalkboard from goodwill hunting, when all the Colts need is a janitor. It should of been painfully obvious when he had to sit out with a little scratch on his spleen and Matt Hasselbeck almost led them to just below .500 in mop up duty. If your going to be dumb you’ve gotta be tough, and Lucks schoolboy persona means that his kidneys and liver dont have the requisite callousses to sustain these hits, so he better hope that Jim Irsay is a organ donor. You can just ask Ben Rothlisberger about that. QBs like Ben Rothlisberger, Boomer Esiason, Dan Marino, and Terry Bradshaw, and Joe Theisman all had immedate success in the NFL and were more likely to be found laughing maniacally at Mad TV then starting a book club. Confuscious use to say that the wise man is the man who knows he knows nothing so in other words you want to draft a pridefully ignorant QB who is too smart to think he can think his way out of things.
Also if your going to extend plays you need to be ignorant enough to not feel pain when you get hit. I always liken Bens ability to not feel pain to the fact that he’s too lazy to feel pain in a “it takes less muscles to frown then it does to smile or drink a milkshake type of way. A earthworm dosen’t even have a brain but you can cut it into 5 different pieces and still use them to catch a fish.
Speaking of busts- I think its safe to say we can toss Jimmy Garoppolo’s name onto that list.
I call him Jimmy Galapagos because he’s about to learn real quick that the NFL is a survival of the fittest league, and frankly italians consume way too many tomatoes to develop the necessary resistance to injuries that your Tom Bradys and from the looks of things- your Jacoby Brissetts have adapted.
Also- if this was the old country- Belichick wouldn’t of just had him injured, he would of had him whacked for this:
Loose lips sink ships- thats why Brady dumped Bridget Moynahan after he found out she was going to need a episiosotomy. Well the honeymoon is over now for Jimmy G because giving away insider info like this is tantamount to treason. The last wanna-be patriot from Illionois who was this careless with classified information was Barack Obama for hiring Hillary Clinton. Jimmy played so well during his time that he fell into almost a Drew Bledsoe type of role, and Brady is once again playing the part of you guessed it- Tom Brady.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Danny Woodhead
Shitdamnfuckass. Out for the year. Woodhead has become like a brother to me and watching him get hurt/injured again is a gut punch. Philip Rivers has been creating a entire colony of little stem cells for just this purpose in his nursery so its time to stop hoarding and help out a teamate.
But sometimes if you want to do something you have to do it yourself, so I’d like to unveil my kickstarter to build a time machine so we can go back and prevent Tevlin Smith’s parents from ever having sex or at least giving his dad a condom.
Plus, the fact that he was injured during a game verse the Jaguars is like if you got a STD from a fleshlight.
Woodhead is a lunch pail kid, and The NFL has become a Brown Bag type of league considering that guys like Sam Bradford and Eli Manning are the faces. But Woodhead is still the heart & the NFl basicaly had a stroke on Sunday no offense to Kellen Winslow Jr. I was hoping for the Best case scenario and thats that Woodhead has a sprained MCL which is the Danny Woodhead of ligaments- a unheralded deceptively twitchy supporting role piece of anatomy, but nothing runs without it. But its worst case and its a cruciate type injury that could sideline him for the rest of the league year. Dannys going into Free Agency this offseason so I supposed its a good thing that this happened early in the season so he can start OTAs in Foxboro in April but dang it if it isn’t tough to watch. I allways get mixed emotions when Danny gets hurt because on one hand its very depressing to see another blue collar guy lose his job in this economy but on the other it just means he’s going to be rested for a playoff push. Hope Mr. Kapernick is watching because Danny would kill to have a knee that was functional enough to not use it.
He’s undergoing further testing today but frankly the only thing that should show up in a MRI of Danny Woodheads body is going to be his magnetic personalty folks. People are pointing and making a big deal out of the fact thta the injury occurred during a non contact play which is misleading since if your a 5’8 running back the entire point of running is to not be contacted at all. Its like insulting a spy for dying of old age. At any rate, all we can do is pray for now, and I’m not sure how many X-rays or whatever he’s going to need but I am willing to donate any body parts whatsoever to Danny in his recovery. Need a ACL, femur, testicle? I’m here for you buddy. In the meantime, I will be saving a spot for Danny on my fantasy roster by leaving my RB2 spot vacant until his return, as is customary. #SaveASpotForDanny
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Signing Robert Griffin is basically a human sacrifice to appease the pocket passer gods. Everywhere he goes he brings good luck to your backups first with Cousins and McCoy and now with McCown who played a incredible game in a statement loss against the ex-Browns before shockingly hurting a part of his 38 year old body by playing tackle football against the worlds biggest fastest atheletes. Maybe part of it is the fact that RG3s backups know they have to prepare more dilligently given his body situation, or perhaps its just that they look like a breathe of fresh air compared to Griffin. Its almost worthwhile to get RG3 on your team for training camp and the first half of week one untill he breaks his shoulder trying to casually walk through Fletcher Cox like he’s a automatic door at shoppers food warehouse. RG3s gamefilm is basically pornography except all the body parts and fluids flying around and contorted faces of agony serve no purpose in Gods greater plan for procreation.
2. This is an Australian kid named Meaalofa Te’o and the only explanation is that his parents must of been using a Game Genie as a butt plug at the moment of conception.
The psychiatrist bills that he rings up for each opponent every time he steps on the field is going to lead to a economic explosion for the entire economy in 20 years but at the same time, with Te’o on their side I really like Australia’s chances in World War 3.
In Amerca you hear all these PC stories about how Shawn Merriman wasn’t aloud to play high school football because he kept paralyzing his opponets during games and destroying his teammates brains during practice. But in Australia they know better, and they probably treat this kid Meaalofa Te’o like a magnet school where parents can send their unruly children to try and tackle him to learn important life lessons about toughness, accountabilty and pad level. “Pack your bags Bruce, and fetch your little brother wee-Bruce. Your both going to spend a semester getting truck sticked in far North Queensland I reckon.” Probably why Australia is so tough as a nation that they almost beat us in basketball.
The whole trend of players dropping the ball before they get to the goaline in college football is a symptom of the fact that the NFL allows players to leave school before they receve a diploma. You get younger, more coddled kids playing out there who might not have the experence to know where exactly the goal line is because they feel that the entire red zone should be a safe space for them as milleneals. At the very least if your going to penalize players for going to the ground and spiking the ball then couldnt the act of starting to rejoice before you even score be by its very definition considered excessive celebration? Not only hsould it be a turnover but it should also be a penalty commensurate with the targeting violation because instead of attacking a players head your attacking the very soul of the game of football.
4. Jeff Fisher stepped on the gas this week resulting in a offensive explosion that upped the Rams PPG to a whopping 4.5 after a 9-3 blowout verse the Seattle Seahawks. Los Angeles still hasnt scored a touchdown in 21 years and the whole city frankly hasnt seen drives that were this inept since Paul Walker, not to be offensive.
5. Aaron Rogers needs to worry less about selling out and more about buying in. He should trade in the discount double check belt for a chastitity belt because he is just not been the same QB since he started sleeping with his face buried in Olivia Munn instead of his playbook. The way things stand right now Aaron Rogers would be the 3rd best QB on the Patriots roster.
Also- and no one is talking about this for some dumbass reason- the Packers hasn’t won a Superbowl since Brett Farve retired. A stat to keep a eye on.
6. We were all gritnesses to perhaps the most deceptively sneakerhead twitter interaction of all time on Saturday afternoon:
Its always gonna be a case of “what ifs” when we look back on this one. You have to wonder if maybe if Danny was wearing the Delly “Crikey Airs” aka the Dickpunch I’s, he would of had better stability since Delly out of necessity has designed the first shoe with a walking boot allready in it to preemptively prevent a broken ankle. Its also no coincidence that as the crow flies, San Diego is the closest city in America to Australia. The best explanation I could ever think of for the existance of Pangea and continental drift isn’t the fossil record, but rather the fact that Danny Woodhead and Matthew Dellevedova are so similar that you’d have to supsend disbelief to believe that they evolved independently of one another at the same time. Basically the Woodheads and the Delly’s come from the exact same lineage except the Delly’s got shipped off to Australia because King James was jealous of there success.
7. Hell yeah of the week comes from the Alabama game after there QB got benched for admitting to having a concussion. If your not mentally sound enough to play football then the least you could do is patrol the sidelines with a axe
8. As I predicted last week- the problem with Kirk Cousins is that he plays better in systems that were designed for other QBs. He’s like a playboy who performs best sexually when he’s wrecking a home. He’s such a dang intelligent guy that he has a tendency to overthink things quite a bit, and designing a offense around him is really more trouble then its worth. You dont polish a hard hat for 6 months, you don’t send a jockstrap off to the cleaners to get ironed, you just strap that thing on and get to work.
Big no-no to Pierre Garçon for staring down and yelling at Captain Kirk multiple times this weekend after having to deal with more poorly executed overthrows then the nation of Lybia. Shows a real lack of understanding of history for a guy with a French name to be throwing his leader under a bus instead of a razor. BTW I call Pierre Garçon “Sebastian”, because his name is synoymous with that weird thing “under the c” and he’s always crabby.
By the way the Wes Welker/fake Brady mask thing is obvously some sort of stupid guerilla marketing for a identity theft company that lets you recoup lost income anytime a announcer mistakenly identifies you as Julian Edelman, or if you make purchases when you have concussions even though there technically not even real. Its also a devilish move and a shot at Giselle for Welker to be dressed as Brady completing passes to himself.
10. Finally parents are starting to apply the same level of scrutny to girl’s soccer as they do to mens football:
11. There were no new business trips this week. Probly why at least half of all NFL teams took Ls. Do better.