Barstool Office Power Rankings - Week 2 (First Full Week)

Kmarko9/16/2016 8:04 PM

ATTN: From the Desk of the Editor-in-chief

Just wrapping up week 2 at the office which was our first full, official Monday-Friday week. Everyone fully settled in, getting in their groove, making new friends. No feuds or fights to report. Big venture of the week was launching the email newsletter which has about a billion kinks to work out but you should still sign up because I’m running it and it’s gonna be sweet. We also had interns in and out all day today getting “interviewed” by everyone so we will have some exciting new slaves to announce shortly. Like Glen:

Not much else to report from behind the scenes so let’s just jump right into it, the top 5 employees of the week and those members of the office who may need some improvement.

POWER RANKINGS

5) Coworker Dave

Clear, concerted effort to improve his ranking after last week. Doesn’t matter how tough the exterior is, deep down Coworker Dave wants to be liked and maybe just maybe work his way into the Cool Club. Kicking off the week with Bagel Mondays was a great start. Proud to say I got involved by eating 3, just trying to do my part.

Consistently calling Clem “wide load” and Riggs “crosseyed fuck” and Nate “creepy little freak” keeps him up at 5 but definitely a solid showing for the week regardless.

4) Caleb

My man Caleb has been grinding. I don’t know why I expected him to be lazy. Oh yes I do, because he said on his now infamous podcast, I’m paraphrasing here, “I don’t really do much work and go on month long vacations to Greece while collecting paychecks.” I assumed we wouldn’t see much of him around the office.

But Work Caleb has been either out making content or glued to his big ass monitor cutting and editing content nonstop. Even turned around and caught him repping out some pushups in the middle of the day right there in the middle of the cube farm. Check out the first episode of 2 AM if you missed it, he’s got a ton more shit coming out too.

3) KMarko

Dropped myself down a couple spots because I thought somebody else should have a turn at the top which if you think about it makes me the best coworker ever and should put me back in the #1 spot. But didn’t do anything super amazing this week. Well unless you consider spending 15 hours a day in the office and writing the most blogs and launching an email newsletter all while some kid in a full suit plays the guitar and gets interviewed by Caleb in a dashiki amazing.

2) Pardon My Take Crew

Listen I don’t want to play favorites here but facts are facts, only one top rated hit podcast brought a blender in to serve umbrella drinks around the office on Hawaiian Shirt Friday. Now if this were being written by somebody over on the business side of the room, they might have this lower ranked considering nobody in the writer farm is working right now and may actually be significantly drunk (I’m writing this at 12:21 PM btw).

But as somebody on the writer side it’s a fucking hell of a party.

1) Clem

Could not be a more clear cut winner for the week. 2.5 hour commute EACH WAY to get into the office. And while in the office, hit the top of the daily pageview charts two separate days, knocking off some of the heavyweights. All while being constantly berated by his boss for being slightly overweight. That’s called dedication and performance ladies and gentleman.

I will say though, and I don’t want to point fingers, when our Shake Shack order came in my burger went mysteriously missing from the bag, almost as if someone decided they needed a Single for a snack after their Double, so that kind of sucked I didn’t get lunch that day. If I run the tapes back and find out who it was I reserve the right to revoke any ranking. Just sayin, Clem had a real nice post-lunch smile that day.

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

Caleb After Hours

The writers and content guys got some drinks after work the other day to chill out/talk shop. Posted up at a beer hall down the street, whole squad ordering pints of beer and whiskeys and some big soft pretzels to pass around. Caleb ordered a soup. Like a bowl of hot soup. It was honestly the most preposterous thing I’ve ever seen done not only at an after work happy hour but just at a bar in general. Just sitting there next to 10 guys drinking IPAs and Old Fashioneds slowly spooning hot tomato soup into his mouth. Incredible.

Office Manager Brett

Had the nerve to stock everything in the entire office and run out instantly to get anything we ask for while managing Erika’s entire schedule instead of building Dave’s desk. Starting to think the kid just doesn’t get it.

The Guys Who Were Supposed To Be Building Dave’s Desk

As a general business practice when hired to assemble a desk you should show up and actually assemble a desk. Not get in a 30 minute shouting match and have to be separated before you start fist fighting and then storm out and leave all the pieces sitting on the floor. That tip’s free, for more professional advice I’ll have to charge you.

Smitty

We’ve got a real strong bro corner going on over by the window, but you just can’t miss the most important meeting we’ve ever had as a company and expect to not be on this list.

Rob O’Neill

Came into the office and didn’t even shoot anyone.

Chaps