ITT Tech Has Permanently Closed Its Doors

CARMEL, Ind.Hundreds of thousands of students and employees learned this morning that ITT Technical Institutes has canceled all classes and is closing permanently. FOX59 first reported last week that the college chain was stopping new student enrollment after the federal government banned the school from accepting any more students with federal aid. The serious federal action was a huge blow for the school since ITT Tech makes most of its money from that aid. Some say the school may not survive the ban.

Oh man. Terrible, sad, horrible day for all those people pretending to get their lives together. After dropping out of school and getting that DUI their mom yelled at them and one afternoon, while watching The People’s Court, stoned at noon on a Tuesday, they saw a commercial for ITT Tech and realized that was their way out. Give money to a for-profit scam of a school, brilliant! Learn all about computers, or whatever it is they do their, and finally get this life turned around! Sucks to be them, now they’ll never get to graduate and be honored in a commercial (that’s a little known fact about ITT Tech. The people in the commercials aren’t the real success stories, they’re the only people who ever actually completed the school. When you graduate you get your diploma and a spot in a commercial. That’s true. Look it up.)

The flip side of it all is that all the students must be fucking pumped. They never actually wanted to be there. They just did it so their mom and/or girlfriend who paid all the bills would get off their back. Guess what? This just bought them at least another year of goodwill. “What do you want me to do, lady? I tried going to school and it closed. Nothing I can do about that. Now shut up, Maury is starting.” Show up to campus and think you’re about to learn all about Excel then bam, you find out you just got a permanent snow day. Has to sneaky be the best feeling in the world once you get over the fact that you gave your money to con artists for a few semesters of bullshit.

PS – Until I was like 26 I thought ITT Tech was a southeastern Mass college. Had no idea they had a billion campuses. Thought for sure they were a local school.