The City of Champions Keeps Rolling: This Weekend I Defended The World Battle Rap Championship

First it was the Villanova men’s squad. Then it was the Philadelphia Spinners ultimate frisbee team. Then the Sixers were crowned champions of the draft lottery. Then the Soul win the Arena Bowl. Then boom, this weekend I go up to Toronto and win the championship of battle rap.

Is there a meaningful championship that Philadelphia hasn’t won recently?

For the inevitable “hi, who the fuck are you?” comments, Smitty signed me on a couple weeks ago to do some Sixers blogging for the Stool. But while I’m not waxing poetic about Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons, I’m out there winning battle rap championships (this is my second).

I’m definitely not what people would expect when they think of a battle rapper, namely in the fact that I am extraordinarily white. I went to an all boys Catholic high school and then Penn State, so apart from being raised in chronically rapey institutions, I just don’t have a normal rap background. It’s just something I did for fun in college and I happened to be really good at it.

An example of my stuff:

I definitely didn’t come to #Barstool to talk about battle rap, but I did come to #life to be a champion, so if I’m going to do something, I might as well be the best at it. And battle rap is essentially just breaking people down and making fun of people, which, from what I understand, is the entirely the Barstool way.

Where do I fit in here? Well, apart from Sixers stuff, I could have definitely swung the balance one way or another in the KFC/Tiko Texas vs. El Pres feud. For now tho, I’ll consider myself a free agent/mercenary in waiting for any intracompany beef.

Maybe if Portnoy ever wants product placement with some major celebs.

As far as the match, it’s still available for PPV at The guy I went against, Caustic, is pretty brutal. He broke up someone’s marriage before when he outed a dude for cheating on his fiancée. If you want to go down the rabbit hole, here’s that.


And the guy I’m probably going to face next is a heavy hitter himself, Head I.C.E., a savvy OG from Harlem.

What a weird life I live.