Ahhh the MTV VMAs. A tradition unlike any other. The only awards show set in the Summertime. A celebration of lip syncing and/or poor singing. Its a celebration of music videos which I dont think exist anymore. And I come to you now as a 31 year old man telling you that its a barometer for just how old you really are. When you hit your late 20s and early 30s, you realize you only know about 10% of the people at the VMAs and thats when you officially know you’re washed up.
But in comparison to all the actual awards shows, its by far the least stuffy and has the most performances, so its fun. You get people like Halsey showing up at the Pre Show with her nips and possibly vagina out for the world to see:
So here we are, another Barstool Wrap Party, running through the highlights of the 2016 VMAs.
We began with some A+ lip syncing from Rihanna:
I’d say she was giving it about 40% effort in this performance. Mailtime on top of Mailtime. But this was Ri Ri’s night. She was the recipient of the Video Vanguard Award and had 4 performances on the schedule. Veteran move coming out and setting the bar low. Dont want to blow your Rihanna load too early.
Following Rihanna was Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj with a performance that was so bad theres nothing to even say about it:
If there was ever a performance where you SHOULD lip sync, its the one when you try to do a spin class in the middle of it. Nicki Minaj just walked around like she forgot she was actually on a stage. It was like Robert Goulet’s Red Ships of Spain SNL skit. The performance left Kim K unsure of how to even react:
“Should we stand up?”
God I love Kim K. Just doesnt give a single shit about anybody else other than her and her clan. Always managing that career and that image. Should we stand up? I dunno. Should we like them? Do we support them? Will it make me money if I cheer for Ariana and Nicki? Queen.
Michael Phelps came out and said he was listening to Stick Talk by Future when he made that Olympic meme face:
And then Future came out and performed some song that sounded like every single one of his other songs. Like I said, I’m writing this as a 31 year old who’s washed up. When Future hits the stage I automatically think of two things:
1) What the fuck is he saying?
2) How is it possible that this dude looks so much like Meryl Streep?
Meryl Streep looks like Future if Future was in a Coloring Book and hadnt been colored in yet. You color in her skin and make her hair into dreads and you have Future. Its wild.
Next up was the 4 Minutes With Kanye. MTV had said they would give Kanye 4 minutes of airtime to do absolutely anything he wanted. To be honest I was afraid the guy was just gonna sit on that stage and stroke his own dick. It was entirely possible. Instead, he began with another one of his incoherent rambling speeches about how he’s Walt Disney or some shit:
Nobody has ever taken longer to say stuff than Kanye West. Ta-ta-ta-today Junior!! Just spit. it. out. man. Whatever nonsense youre about to spew just hurry up and do it! Of course all the Kanye sheep say its genius. Like clockwork. Anything Kanye says and does is “genius” and if you’re a normal person with eyes, ears and a brain and you say “Bro that was weird as fucking shit I dont know what the hell he’s talking about” people just tell you “You dont understand it.” “You dont get it.” Nah man. The dude is just a babbling idiot. These speeches arent well done or revolutionary or anything. Its straight up Emperors New Clothes with Kanye at all times at this point. Kanye then dropped his new video, since this is, you kn0w, a music videos award show.
And now black people are going absolutely WILD for Teyana Taylor and her ass:
Absolute show stealer. Dont care about Kanye West saying he’s Steve Jobs lets talk about this chick and her ROCKET body humping the ground and shit:
This is the quintessential Black Chick Who White Guys Didnt Know About But Now Love And Will Steal Her Away And Make Her Famous because thats what white folks do. To finish, Kanye drops the M. Night Shamaylanannanan twist on us at the end and throws Iman Shumpet (they’re married) into the mix and ends the video with this goddam shot:
Iman Shumpert. A Cheetah Woman. A baby. And about half a dozen sheep. BRILLIANT! GENIUS!!! ART!!!!!
The VMAs kept it moving right along going from one asshole that takes themselves too seriously and thinks everything they do is “Art” to another:
I’ll be honest, Beyonce scares me. Everything she does is over the top and angry and loud and scary. I think shes a witch or something. But she did come out and shake that ass:
And she had white girls literally seizing in the aisles:
Because thats what Beyonce does. It was Rihanna’s night but Beyonce came and blew her out of the water. I personally like Rihanna more and like her songs better but there’s absolutely no debate that Beyonce getting on stage and singing Lemonade basically in its entirety in one shot stole the show. Yasss, Queen, Slay, etc etc etc.
Then there was poor Britney. I dont know who decided this lineup. I dont know who thought it was OK to have her go on after Beyonce. But watching Britney out there last night was like watching Chet Steadman in the playoffs in Rookie of the Year. Just begging for “One…more.” Trying to run with the young bucks. She got out there with a microphone headset that was LOL funny and shared half her performance with G-Eazy, the Fake Macklemore:
Rough look for your girl Brit. Her and Pedro Martinez had the same stuff in 1999 but they also have the same stuff in 2016. Probably best to retire from the VMAs, boo.
Luckily Fifth Harmony won an award and hopped on stage and made Britney look great:
Fifth Harmony looks like the day time shift at the strip club. They’re like the B-team dancers who work the weekdays. They put out HEAT but I would not want a lap dance from any of them.
At this point in the show, we cut to the Lil Dicky Trojan commercial for the 560th time:
I’m including this for three reasons: A) They really did air it like 20 times 2) I love LD, and D) Melissa Marie brings the fucking FIRE in this commercial. Its crazy that shes dating Lil Dicky. Our boy done GOOD.
Speaking of FIRE…Kim K looked absolutely SLAMMIN last night.
Skinny, curvy, and that wet hair look was dripping with sex. Looked like she was straight out of the shower but also perfectly done up. Never has a chick fluctuated between being a Shamu whale and an absolute smoke. Its very very confusing to be honest. I wonder how she does it.
Kim got together with the rest of her Illuminati pals, where they all drank and smoked cigars and had a good laugh about how they’re making zillions off dollars off of white people:
This is like black people’s version of The Last Supper.
Worst performance of the night went to The Chainsmokers. I thought the Chainsmokers were just a pair of DJs, not singers. Turns out that’s exactly right because that dude on the mic has absolutely ZERO singing ability. I mean none. Zip. Sounds like you’re average bro on the mic at a karaoke bar.
Big Cat’s voice is 800 times better than him. Its BANANAS that he had the nuts to get on stage and try to sing that song live. Again, everyone else is lip syncing. The fact that this dude was like “Fuck it! We’ll do it live!” and get stomped out by Halsey is just crazy. He dude get to rub his hands all over Halsey and her underboob though so shout out to him. He still wins.
Jimmy Fallon came out dressed up impersonating Ryan Lochte, and I’m pretty sure Michael Phelps came in his pants:
Big time swing and a miss there from Jimmy not dropped a “JEAH!” when he first got on the mic.
Now we fast forward to the end of the night where Drake presented for Rihanna and I think he also came in his pants and almost started to cry while talking about her:
Listen I cant sit here and tell Drake how to be cool. I cant say that he played himself up there gushing about her because at the end of the day he probably has fucked Rihanna and probably will again. He’s on top of the world so who cares about this speech. But I gotta call it like I see it and that whole spiel from Drake was as desperate as it gets. Putting up the billboard in LA to congratulate her. Saying he loved her. Going in for the kiss like that and getting the hug. Just getting the Mutombo Finger from Rihanna the whole time. She gave her whole acceptance speech and finished with “Thanks for that grate speech, Drake:”
Just BRUTAL man. You basically told a chick you were in love with her and she hit you with “Aw thanks. Thats cute.” Rihanna bows down to no dick, man. Not even Drakes. Put his ass right in the Friend Zone. Next music video they make is gonna be awkward as fuck when she doesnt even grind her ass into his dick anymore.
3 hours in the books and another year gone by where I realize I’m too old for this shit! See you next year when I probably have another kid and know 0% of the people on this show.