Wine Ice Cream Is The Truth

Yesterday was a Wednesday. I went to the liquor store, as people do on Wednesday’s, to grab a case of beers and I encountered the greatest salesman that has ever lived. I walked out with zero beers, that’s how good he was. As I was browsing the coolers he came up to me and said, “Ever had spiked seltzer?” I hadn’t. I knew what it was because a friend of mine pretends she has a gluten disease so I have to get them for her all the time, but I’d never consumed one. “We’re the only store on the island that sells them,” he said. From that moment, I was in. I’d never had a desire to try spiked seltzer but as a big fan of exclusivity, I knew I must have them. I bought two cases.

As I was checking out he said, “You look like a guy who enjoys ice cream.” I ignored his obvious, and correct, insinuation that I was fat and immediately confirmed what he very obviously already knew. “I do!” I exclaimed. He said, well we’ve got this new stuff called wine ice cream, you want a pint? Alcohol and fattening foods are my two favorite things so of course I told him no thanks on the pint, let’s make it three.

I now live in a whole new world. I live a new life, if we’re being honest with each other. There was the life I had before knowing wine ice cream exists, and there’s this current life that I now lead, the one that’s aware of such wizardry. Wine ice cream is so good it’s amazing. Personally, I recommend the red raspberry chardonnay, but the lemon sparkling is also delicious. As is the peach zinfandel. It’s all delicious, really. It’s fucking wine and ice cream.

But the best part of it? Amazing hangover cure. If you’re like me, the first thing you want after a night out is a beer. It’s the only thing that can stave off the feeling like shit. If you never stop drinking then you never get hungover, that’s science. But I kinda feel like a piece of ass cracking a beer at 9 AM. It’s a personal thing, but something about a pre-tooth brushing Bud Light just feels low. Enter wine ice cream. It’s refreshing. It tastes great. It’s got alcohol in it. Perfect, perfect hangover cure. You want to keep that buzz going but don’t want to feel like a scumbag? Grab a spoon, head to the freezer, and eat some ice cream. You’ll be a new man in no time.