Let's Get These Olympics Rolling With Banks' Summer Olympics Blog - Opening Ceremonies Preview

Rio Olympics


We’re back baby! The Olympics are finally here again, and the hottest Olympic recap blog is back too. Every morning you’ll wake up and find a collection of the previous days’ best moments, a recap of how our beloved Americans fared, the updated medal count, and a preview of that days’ events. Oh, and a gallery of the finest athlete T&A the world has to offer. Pretty much exactly what anybody could ever want in a blog. Light-hearted fun with an American slant, and you’ll be getting that on a daily basis.


This edition of the Olympics brings us to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. We all know the ongoing issues of Zika, polluted waters, and what have you. My personal take? This is all par for the course. It wouldn’t be an Olympics on this side of 2000 without myriad issues and concerns about the host country. Athens, Beijing, Sochi all had major concerns going into competition, and each of those Olympics went relatively smoothly. It’s so easy for those concerns to make major headlines. What else would we talk about leading in? It’s clickbait. We all know Brazil has issues, but they’ve had them forever. Those issues were there before the Olympics and they’ll be there after too. Reporters only care about the conditions as long as they’re suffering through them and/or as long as somebody is giving them clicks. Happens every single Olympics, and the show still goes on. I digress.


Technically the competition started on Wednesday with some preliminary soccer and gymnastics competition. Nothing too serious going on there other than the fucking host country playing a mediocre South African team to a draw in their iconic sport. I thoroughly enjoyed the Russian’s hockey misery in Sochi and I’m definitely hoping for the same for Brazilian soccer. If the Americans aren’t in this thing, then I have a hard time rooting for anything other than misery for the hosts. If we can’t win, nobody can. I mean, fucking Iraq qualified. FOH Iraq. Quick men’s soccer scores for those who care anyways:


Brazil 0, South Africa 0

Portugal 2, Argentina 0

Honduras 3, Algeria 2

Sweden 2, Colombia 2

Denmark 0, Iraq 0

South Korea 8, Fiji 0

Nigeria 5, Japan 4


Okay, on to the Opening Ceremonies. 7:30 ET tonight on NBC. In general, these things are pretty boring. Like a lot of the night time NBC coverage, it’s not catered to the ordinary sports fan, or even the casual sports fan. It’s catered to the kind of housewives who beg their miserable husbands to get out and share hobbies like hot yoga and tennis with them. Pretty much anyone who willingly watches the Today show. It’s miiiiiserable.



HOWEVA (*Stephen A. Smith voice*)


… our last Olympics’ opening ceremonies introduced one of the greatest sagas this world has ever seen. And that saga was the fascinating journey of conjunctivitis across Bob Costas’ smug face. At the time I wrote the following:






We weren’t even 100% sure if it was pink eye at the time, but little did we know that Bob Costas’ eyeballs would become the talk of the Olympics. It was truly stunning theater. By day 5 he had double pink eye and by the end of week 1, he had to sit out a couple days. So glorious and we had a front row seat, every single night.

Interest in the Olympics was at an all-time low in 2014, and I’m not convinced that NBC didn’t hatch that little storyline themselves. I wouldn’t put it past them for the ratings, no way no how. So who knows what they could have up their sleeve? I’m hoping they drop a little laxative in Al Roker’s coffee. One minute he’s giving a forecast for this week’s speedwalking competition and the next minute he’s got his own case of the runs. Need NBC to cook something up again.


But more realistically, I assume we just watch a bunch of hot Brazilians dance around and shake that ass, which really isn’t too bad. Probably an ignorant assumption on my part, but also probably correct. And there’s talk of some sort of skit where Gisele Bundchen gets mugged and the mugger gets caught, which somehow shows that “good” always prevails. Cheesy shit like that is what the Opening Ceremonies is all about. Whatever. There’s no actual competition today, so let’s just jump to the T&A.


Okay so maybe she isn’t a competing athlete, but as I just mentioned, Gisele will be a part of the show tonight. So as a gesture of goodwill to all you Patriots fans who I’ve irked since Sochi, she’s featured today.


(cue the music…)


gisele 1gisele 3

gisele 2

gisele 4gisele 5





Submit any and all Olympic smokeshows, and any other bloggable material @BarstoolBanks. The blogs for Sochi quickly evolved into 80% GIF’s and Vines, which is a-ok in my book. This blog isn’t for me, it’s for all you good red-blooded Americans out there. Enjoy.