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Not To Brag But I Was Way Out In Front Of This New Millennial Trend Of Not Having Sex

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It’s not a very sexy time to be young, despite millennials’ reputation as bed-hoppers frolicking like the characters in “Girls.” A study published Tuesday in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior, finds that younger millennials – born in the 1990s – are more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive in their early 20s than the previous generation was, and more likely even than older millennials were at the same age.

Recent research also shows that overall, millennials – people born between the early 1980s and 2000 – have fewer sexual partners than the baby boomers and Generation X, immediately preceding them.

Not to brag but I was so far ahead of the curve on this one its not even funny. Sometimes you just gotta sit back and laugh as the new generation discovers things that you’ve been into for a while now like Bob Marley, Jncos, and sexual frustration. Listen- if your not having sex you shouldn’t need to have an article written about you in a major publication to get the word out about it. People should already be able to tell by finding your byline on a major sports blog.

I don’t have many goals in life because if you never set them you never miss them, but one of them is to get quoted in a trend piece like this. I don’t care if its “more single men are using frogs as fleshlights than ever before” I just want to see my name in the paper. But if I ever do, I hope I dont sound like Noah, a 18-year old who is just to busy with his lucrative Youtube viewing career to have sex with anyone:

“I’d rather be watching YouTube videos and making money.” Sex, he said, is “not going to be something people ask you for on your resume.”

Ironic that his names Noah since it looks like the only thing he dosen’t have a pair of are testicles. Sex is one of those soft-skills that dosen’t show up on paper but is one of the intanglibles alot of companies look for. 90% of all communcation is through body language, and nothing exudes confidence like having sex with your boss to get preferential treatment.


So why is Generation Friend Zone striking out so hard? If you guessed its because of the “everyone gets a trophy” mentality you’d be correct:


Millennials have been called the most cautious generation – the first to grow up with car seats and bike helmets, the first not allowed to walk to school or go to the playground alone.

See, your intact hymen is a participation trophy you get for skipping horseback riding lessons and not learning to play guitar, so its no shocker to me that milleneals are hanging on to their virginity like its the hope diamond given their work ethic and sense of entitlement. When a entire generation grows up not keeping score, they have no idea what it means to “lose” anything, including there virginity.

Back when I was a milleneal, your virginity was something you actually had to actively maintain and groom through being socially awkward and not having a car. These days they hand out V-Cards to anyone whose ever listened to a Rush song or cancelled a gym membership. I had to earn my sexual inactivty- kids today just get it handed to them like everything else.