MMBM- NFL Players Are Getting Fatter Because Of Feminism
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The NFL is officially back.
There are so many fun things that go along with traning camp- coaches swearing, players getting injured, and the Cleveland Browns getting mathmatically eliminated from the playoffs. But one disturbing trend that I’ve noticed of late is the fact that most football players are in worse shape than Chris Christie trying to fit into Hillary’s pantsuit.
Before Tony Romo there was Eaty Lacy. Before Lacy there was Albert Haynesworth. Now there is a epidemic of superstar athletes who look like they’ve spent more time in the offseason within arms length of a breadmill than a treadmill. Its reached the point where when you hear a player described as grimmacing, its more likely the reporter means he looks like a giant amorphous blob of a cartoon used to sell fast food than a facial expression from the hard work and the sweat required for a full bore practice. The only fitness these guys care about is fitness king size candy bar into the deep fryer. But who’s to blame? Is it the school system, monsanto engineered grass seeds used by all 32 teams practice fields, or chemtrails? All good guesses but its actually social media and feminsim.
It use to be that if a athlete wanted a woman to see his penis he had to get off his ass. You had to take her on a date, go dancing, and actually engage with her and prove to her that chivalry is still alive. Then after you did that exactly three times you were probably going to have sex. Not anymore though. Nowdays with feminism, women don’t want a man to take her out and pay for stuff anymore. They have Tinder where they can sit at home and act like gatekeepers by goading us into sending them unsolicited dick picks and make there decision that way.
This is also the new crop of NFL players that went to school eating a Michelle Obama femnist-approved lunch. What does that mean? Well her flavorless meals teach kids that food is healthy and you can eat as much of it as you want, so when they finally get out on there own they are imprinted with the unrestrained eating habits of a malamute, but instead they just get husky. Under the Obama administration, your more likely to find grit in a young mans sandwich bread than you are in his character.
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The two strongest instincts in the male brain are to eat and to procreate- not win championships- just take a look at Draymond Green who knew that most feminists dont even want a man to wear a ring. Now with smartphones, women are forcing men to be lazier then ever and just sit on our butts all day marketing ourselves instead of hitting the pavement and cold-catcalling every chick that comes up the courthouse steps before my appointment.
It use to be that if you wanted to interrupt a womans workout to flirt with her you actually had to go to the gym to do it. Nowdays women no longer likes a guy who corners her to correct her deadlift posutre, they’re all just looking for a guy with some decent lighting, a data plan, and the balls to send them a picture of there crotch. Translation- players spending more time sliding into girls DMs than sliding into a pair of compression shorts and hitting the squat rack. The kids call it Grubhub and “Chill” because it dosen’t require you to “burn” any calories to get laid. And the net result is that atheletes are being forced to spend more time flirting with obesity than flirting with a lady on the elliptical with her headphones in. Betsy Ross didn’t die for this.
On to the awards:
Road Grader Cheese Grater of the Week: Tony Romo
Tony Romo appears to of eaten Eddie Lacy.
Funny I thought that “wide 9″ was just a defensive scheme that gave Tony fits, not a new nickaname for him. Romo claims that its a optical illusion and that he was wearing a kevlar vest to protect him from brutal training camp hits but I think you and I know better. If you ask me the only thing the Cowboys should of in vested in was Paxton Lynch, and the only thing Romo should of in vested in is slim fast. But maybe Tony’s been turning over a new leaf this offseason and actually being able to swallow instead of just choking all the time.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. HUGE BREAKING NEWS- THE FLACCOMETER IS BACK
Joe Flacco is returning from a ACL injury and the world is keeping a close eye on his eliteness so here’s my initial report:
The case for Not Elite: Sometimes you’ve got to read between the lines in the early days of training camp, and the fact that the blackbirds had Justin Tucker kick a 69-yd field goal tells me that they are preparing for the worst. If you need to score from the 52 you dont pull a chickenshit move like running your kicker out there to show off his flexibilty- you locate Raheem Morris in the secondary and attack him like a man. So while its good to see First Down Joe back on the practice field
Counterargument: You cant spell cruciate ligament surgery without ELITE.
This weeks rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite
2. Mike Wallace- Flacco’s newest weapon has failed his conditioning test. In theory, Wallace should be a perfect scheme fit on the Ravens given his tendency to only run routes that can be described as “as the crow flies.” But since his job description is literaly to be able to run a straight line and then jog back to the huddle repeatedly without having caught a ball its kind of important for him to master a shuttle run.
3. Chief Zee- the unofficial mascot/superfan for the Washington Redksins was issued a Chief DNR and passed away last week. But fortunately heroes look after one another and team owner Dan Snyder aka Chief CYA gracously stepped up to anonymously donate money for his funeral. Its a shrewd move for Snyder whose teams have been so abysmal for the last 18 years that any good lawyer could make the case that he was a contributing factor in the Chiefs untimely death. Snyder- who has spent more money on ascotts than mascots, can at least look in the mirror at himself even if he dosen’t have a reflection.
4. Warren Sapps swim move must really suck these days if he cant even escape a reef shark. Sapp was bitten while he was out trying to catch lobsters instead of crabs for a change, and the fish left nasty cut on his bible-swearing arm.
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5. For a guy who’s never made it out of a Gainesville police lineup without wearing handcuffs I can see why this nick name actualy makes sense for Cam:
Its also a classic display of his martyr complex. Except when Jesus suffered his biggest defeat he put his name on it, owned it, and gave the ultmate press conferece- called the Bible ever heard of it?
6. Happy National Girlfriend Day from Pats new TE Martellus Bennet
Theres a old saying if you have two girlfriends you don’t have one but frankly that is bullshit. If you have two girlfriends your 300% more likely to get yourself into a sitcom-like situaton where your eating dinner with two women at the same restaurant in different rooms. I’ve always liked the idea of receivers and QBs literally developing chemistry together but if I’m the Patriots I would kindly ask my players to conduct themselves more like Walter Peyton and less like Walter White.
7. Washington GM Scot McCloughan has had kind of a rough start to this years traning camp compared with last year when his only side track was when his wife publically falsely accused ESPNs Diana Russini of a inapproprate relationship with the GM. First Junior Gallette reinjured his other Achilles tendon, and now future New York Giant kickoff return specialist Josh Doctson has a ankle injury of his own. All of this caused McCloughan to hit a wall and injure his hand badly and show up for camp injured on the first day. Speaking of hitting a wall, Kirk Cousin’s accuracy on day one could best be described as broad side of a barn. Hope KC Masterpiece isnt the type of guy who let’s a contract go to his head but early reports are not good.
8. Charles Barkley is going to be hosting a brand new show called “The Race Card” on TNT which as I understand it is bascially like candid camera for bigots. Race Card is a near-palindrome. For all you internet commenter’s out there a palindrome is something thats the exact same forward as it is backward- its the word equivilant of a Jeff Fisher teams record.
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9. Massive thoughts and prayers go out to Odell Beckham Jr who suffered “superficial lacerations” aka got cut after colliding with a teamate in training camp. Its a copycat league and Josh Norman has already demonstrated just how easy it is for a CB to get under Beckhams skin.
10. Sports Illustrated’s Richard Deitch threw out a wild idea that just might be crazy enough to work- having “President” Barack Obama transition to a sports puditry role after he leaves office or is impeached. I make it no secret that I am not a fan of Obama or his health care plan that strips all constitutional protections away from health insurance companies. But Ii feel like this could be a great move. Can you imagine if it was like Obama and McCain squared off in some sort of debate style television show? I’m sure numbers would be through the roof. Obama’s basically like the RG3 of politics- he moved to Washington and spent his first 2 years running but when all is said and done he couldnt get anything passed.
11. Donald Trump is complaning that the Presidential Debates are scheduled at the same time as two prime-time NFL games and that all the die-hard Hillary voters in Atlanta and Louisiana wont tune in to see him and Hillary try to out-unlikeable each other. He claims the NFL sent him a letter expressing their desire to see the debate schedule moved but isn’t there a chance for a happy medium here? What about Chris Bermans tradition of interviewing each candidate during halftime? You want to talk about a rating bonanza, lets just get Hillary and Donald up in the booth and let them go at each other while the games on with occasional Al Michales cut-ins to remind us about the gambling implications of each score. I feel like just by happenstance Trump and Clintons ramblings on about someone dropping the ball or a russian attack would line up to provide more accurate analysis then when they let Berman and Dilfer call a game.
Lets take a look at which event is actually more important to the lives of your average american: Monday Night Football is a cornerstone for many American workers who need to be up to date on the scores in order to engage in water cooler talk. The fantasy implications of a Monday Night matchup featuring Drew Brees, Julio Jones, and like 3 Wide Recevers on the Saints that score anywhere between negative 2 and 30 points a week are of much more consequence to the average American than a debate. What do you learn from a debate anyways? That the person you were going to support anyways did better then the person you didn’t like? If you still dont know who your going to vote for between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton you shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the first place. Thats why I think debates should adopt a fantasy scoring model instead of just doing polls. Hey Nate Silver you want to make yourself usefull this election? Figure out a way to apply PPR into quantifying the strength of a anecdote about a single parent who lost health care after the coal mine closed. If the outcome of your matchup depends on whether or not Trump drops more than 0.5 blowjob references I guarentee you America will tune in in droves.
12. It will shock you to realize that Andrew Lucks favorite part of Peter Kings MMQB column is the Starwood traveler notes of the week where Peter talks about his minor inconveniences and even minorer conveniences he experiences while on the road. This is the NFL equivilant of watching porn to evaluate what kind of mattress to purchase or going to a ISIS training camp because you have a keen interest in fertilizer.
69 of the week: This is my ViQueen
Runner Up:
Incredbly brave for Mr. Wang to be doing this at the FDR memorial given that anyone with that last name would of been sent to a interment camp under FDR’s administration.