MMBM: I Would Cut JJ Watt's Ass To Send A Message
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
J.J. Watt could be in danger of getting cut.
The former superstar 3-4 DE (a very replaceable position) announced on Friday that he was going to be having surgery on his back the weekend before the Texans open training camp. Funny how last year when Hard Knocks was there he showed up early, stayed late, and wore out 4 Fort Minor CDs, but now that theres no cameras around he plays hookie on day 1. I guess there are some perks that go along with being injured- Lindsay Vonn gets to walk around all day with your electronic muscle stimulators jammed up her skirt, you have alot more free time to spend ignoring all the haters, and you finally get to use Jadeveon Clowneys reserved handicapped parking space. But the NFL is a Next Man Up league, and starting the year on the PUP list might have him in O’Brien’s dog house.
Any football coach will tell you that at the start of traning camp, every position is open for competition. If the players see that certain guys don’t have to work as hard as others, they start to lose confidence in there coach. Texans training camp is going to be filled with hungry rookies and hungrier veterans like Vince Wilfork- guys who are actually able to practice- guys who are looking ahead instead of litereally putting their back to the future. At the end of the day, when those guys are making plays out on the field, and Watt is on the sidelines holding a doctors note from his mama its gonna be hard for a coach to pencil him in to the lineup. Watt better hope for his own sake that he’s back by at least preseason week 3 or else he could be on the outside looking in. Next thing you know his ass is cut, the Titans sorry ass picks him up off waivers and he injures his butthole eating Nashville hot chicken at a police assocation apprecation dinner. Seen it a million times.
Watts last name literally means “power” which is ironic because you can plug anyone else into that spot and it’ll work just fine. Bill O’Brien is a football guy and he dosen’t care if your name is JJ Watt, Drew Bledsoe, or a statue of Joe Paterno. If you cant contribute anymore its time to move on.
And then yesterday he writes a love note to all his fans (many of whom are under 18, so, kind of inappropriate) claiming that he’s going to get back on the field as soon as possible. It was a ncie note written on his own custom letterhead, but frankly I’d like to see J.J. more focused on his mobility than his stationary. Maybe JJ hurt his back by trying to put a entire communty on his shoulders instead of playing team football.
He likes to make a big deal about how success isnt owned, it’s least, and rent is due every day. Well guess what? Your not going to find a touchdown in a hospital. Not going to get a sack while you’re uncounscious with some quack in a labcoat with a camera searching around your back trying to find your missing spine. Here’s a little unspoken secret in many NFL circles- basically anyone could go in and have back surgery at any given time. The fact that JJ chose to do it on training camp eve tells me he’s not mentally in the right state of mind to be a contributing member of that team and O’Brien knows it. He also knows that JJ’s spent more time in the operating room then the film room this spring. Is he inventing new injuries to get more painkillers? Its impossible to know, but its definitely possible to speculate. I want a guy whose addicted to being a hero not a heroine.
You know, Watt released a new pair of signature sneakers last week but its apparent that he should of come out with a pair of loafers instead. As any veteran player can tell you- if you go under the knife, you might end up getting cut.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Dennis Green
God crowned his ass on Friday and I just want to say the guy was a football guy through and through. Between Green and Buddy Ryan, Jesus Christ just got himself a hell of a defense this year. If there was a football game played between heaven and hell I have to imagine heavens got the upper hand now ,at least until the two sides need to renegotiate there CBA and heaven realizes they don’t have any lawyers.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Aldon Smh is at it again. After nearly a full year of not getting in trouble for a hit and run or vandalism, the Raiders pass rusher has found himself in trouble again. For a guys whose career has included getting arrested by the TSA for making a bomb threat and 3 DUIs, video taping himself smoking weed and posting it online might be the most avoidable mistake made in the history of football with the excepton of the 49ers blunder with the 7th overall pick in the 2011 draft.
Basically if your Aldon Smith’s GM, you have to bank on getting at least 1 phone call every three months that makes you feel like Mr. Krabs from sponge bob. The best part of this video features Smith and a woman who keeps trying to tell him that making a video of him smoking weed isnt a good idea until finally Smith replies “They dont know its me. Its not like I put Aldon Smith.” Looks like his career might be Aldon, folks.
2. If I’m trying to find a spokesman for my product the first and only call I’m making is to Mike Ditka, who delivered this ringing endrosement of ProstatePM:
“It’s a good product. If you want to buy it, buy it. If you don’t, don’t. Buy something else,” he said. “What the hell. It’s OK, I don’t care. And I don’t think they care, either. They’ll sell what they’re going to sell.”
It sounds like a drunk Perd Hapley giving this quote and I love it. I dont need prostate medicine yet, but I might go out and just buy it anyways. Its a new form of advertising where companies act like there too good to need your money and next thing you know you’ve got a line of college aged guys lined up around the block trying to buy prostate supplements just because coach Ditka said he dosen’t give a damn if you want them or not.
Having a product but then telling consumers hat they aren’t allowed to buy it yet is like when Babe 2: Pig in the City intially receved a “R” rating. It got teens all accross America jazzed up to see some bloody animal action or duck orgies, and it didn’t matter that the movie kind of sucked. The tickets were already purchased. I’m going to send Mike Ditka a free car stick and a check for $50,000 to endorse it and the whole commercal is going to be a video of him trying to figure out what the hell it does. Guarenteed to sell out within 90 mins.
4. I’d like to see Cam Newton display some confidence in himself. He was just ranked number 1 overall as the best player in the game by the NFL network in there offseason poll of the top 100, but he claims he should of been 3rd or 4th, behind JJ Watt, Tom Brady, and Anotonio Brown. I can smell fake humilty a mile away, and Cam could really learn a thing or two about JJ Watt about how to not put on a big show when it comes to trying to remain humble in the public eye.
Advertisement
5. Thomas K. Dale, a former rapper from Salt Lake City, has some strong takes hed like me to share with you regarding the US Olympic team, and specifically the NBA players who decided not to play:
I agree with Michael, especially the part about applauding the troops. As a matter of fact, I’d like to see wars become more interactive like sporting events. People forget that at some early Civil War battles, folks brought out picinic blankets and wine and snacks to watch the fighting. The DOD should look into bringing over a stadium full of Raiders fans into Iraq and just have them cheering on our men and women in uniform. ISIS is always talking about how USA fans dont travel well, so here’s the time to prove them wrong. Being on the sidelines for a live battle must be so entertaning. In fact, I had Chris Kyle starting at Navy on my fantasy team for 5 years straight and won my league.
6. Training camp starts this week and holy crap I am excited for the return of football finally. Next man up is about to start happening all over the league. A pick of fat Eddie Lacey is scheduled to appear like the first Red Robin of spring, and a brand new Tanard Jackson suspension is right around the corner. Every team in rightfully optimistic except for the Dolphins who know that there bad. My training camp storiline power rankings are thus:
- Veteran takes rookie under his wing to teach him how to steal his job
- Kicker battles
- Jimmy Claussen works out for a different team each week and has a new haircut each time
7. The New England Patriots have the least diverse coaching staff in the NFL. But at the end of the day isn’t coaching all about consistancy? I dont care if your white, black, brown, purple, green, hawaiin, or hell even a white guy whose Dad was a NFL coach of some sort. Every coaching staff should be the opposite of diverse. If your head coach is African American then everyone else should be too or else you start to get these mixed messages as a player and you dont know who to believe.
The one exception is obviously Bruce Arians who identifys simply as a football guy when he checks “other” on his census.
8. I am schocked to hear that Chip Kelly believes that Blaine Gabbert has already started to emerge as the favorite in the QB competition against Colin Kaepernick. Gabbert is more suited to Coach Kelly’s system that relies heavily on a QB that has been given a big contract by another team that he dissappointed mighitly. Training camp for the 49ers should be a interesting one since Kelly’s going to have to do his best work of identifying talent on this roster so he knows who he should trade away as soon as possible.
9. Roger Goodell put on a virtual realty helmet in order to learn about empathy, so all you naysayers and haters who say that he is nothing more than a robot can go pound sand. He’s actually a human being who uses robots to teach him how to feel less robotic. So I guess he put on the robot mask to learn what it felt like to be a minorty in the league office. Its a good reminder of the difference between empathy and symptahy- sympathy is learning how to feel bad for someone whose going through a trying ordeal, and empathy is when you wear a video game so that you can talk to the press about how you remain committed to hiring robots of all color in order to teach you the wide spectrum of human emotions.
10. I stand with Chris “Big Country” Sale. The throwback uniforms thing is just a gimmick to make money off wearing something uncomfortable that dosen’t boost performance at all, and he shouldn’t be forced to subject himself to that.
11. The league just released a report on the Al Jazeera/Manning Investigation and the headline reads: Peyton Manning is a very good boy and deserves extra treats. Manning provides 100% cooperation and found not guilty by NFL investigation, I know another leader with a big head who was cleared of all repsonsiblity by a sham investigation and she’s running for President folks.
Manning’s encounter with investigators just confirmed what we already knew: as long as you comply with investigators you should have nothing to be worried about. Tom Brady has obviously seen one too many cop movies and thought he could get out of trouble by not incriminating himself. That’s not how it works in real life law enforcement Tom. If he had just cooperated and gone along with basic investigatory steps like taking all of his private cell phone pictures, files, and private correspondence, and turned them over to his bosses friend he probably would be scot-free. Manning’s explanation of all those texts where his teammates referred to him as “The big cheater” were a whole lot more belevable because Goodell had access to all the various nudes on his phone.