Realistically, How Much Sex Do We Think Olympic Athletes Are Doing?
By this point, everybody has heard the news that the Olympic Village will be flooded with 450,000 condoms next month when the Rio games kick off. Our resident condom insider Barstool Trent had the news back in May and it’s been all over the internet over the past week. 450,000 dong bags (technically only 350,000 and then 100,000 female condoms but who even knows what those are). In case you were wondering, there are over 10,000 athletes that are going to be competing in Rio so we’ll round to about 42 condoms per athlete (that’s not even taking into consideration the athletes that are married or freaks who practice abstinence, or just the few ugly ones who obviously don’t need them). Now everybody knows that the Olympic Village is basically just a giant frat party but instead of being filled with Chad’s and Todd’s who only get laid because they have a trust fund, it’s filled with the greatest athletes in the world. But even though everybody is looking to tame some international strange at the Olympic Village, I still think 450,000 is a presumptuous amount of jimmy hats. I’m under the assumption right now that unless you’re jerking off into the condoms, that everybody is going to leave the Olympic Village with at least a few diggities left in their pockets. But let’s talk about it real quick just to make sure we’re being fair.
The Olympic games are 16 days long. Now it’s true that the athletes show up to Rio before the opening ceremony and that’s something you need to take into consideration. But I can’t imagine that way too much action is going down that week leading up to the games because everybody is moving in, everybody is still focused on the games, you have to give yourself at least a couple of days to get over the diarrhea after drinking dirty Rio water, and then you also need to get the lay of the land. If you want to say 2 condoms go before the opening ceremonies, then fine. That leaves 40 condoms for the rest of the games. Now I’ve never claimed to be the smartest guy on the block. But I’ve been to school before and know a thing or two about calculators. And by my calculations, 40 condoms over 16 days comes out to roughly 2.5 condoms per day. Almost sounds attainable for any Joe Schmo, seems more than reasonable for some of the most beautiful people in the world. But again, there’s more to factor in here.
It’s a commonly known fact that you should never, under any circumstances, fuck the night before an athletic event. Unless you’re unpatriotic as fuck and don’t care about doing well for your country, you should abstain from sex 24 hours prior to your event. If I was an Olympic coach, I’d ask all my athletes how many condoms they have left the day before the event and then refuse to let anybody compete if they show up the next day with anything less. So when you take the days before events out of the equation, you lose a huge chunk of fuckage availability. I get that different sports last longer than others but lets just say every athlete has at least 5 days during the games that they absolutely cannot fuck. That’s 40 condoms now for 11 days. That’s 3.6 condoms per day for each athlete. When you then take into consideration that you’re only using 1 condom per bang (unless we’ve got some 3ways going down or full blown orgies), that leaves you with pretty much 7 bangs per day for every athlete to get rid of all their condoms. I don’t care who you are or what you look like. Banging 7 times in one day is a goddamn marathon. And even if you can handle it one day, you sure as shit aren’t keeping up with that pace for another 10 days after that.
I get it. I really do. Better safe than sorry. Plus, with all the Zika that’s flying around maybe it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to double bag your hang down. But like I said, the only way that you’re getting out of the Olympics without any leftover condoms is if you’re either jerking off into them or if you’re using them to make balloon animals. I’m sure the Olympians are going to be having plenty of sex next month. Way more sex than I’ll have any time soon. But doing it 42 times (or technically 84 since, again, only one condom per doing it)? Let’s not get carried away, you cocky sons of bitches.