Apple Unveils New Gold iPhone 5S, Which I Of Course Now Need To Buy

World, prepare yourself for the next-generation iPhone.

Rumors this season have included two new color flavors — gold and silver — along with the addition of a finger print scanner for added security. As is standard with Apple iterations, we’ve also been expecting a processor bump and even a camera upgrade.

If Apple’s plan was too trick people like me into buying a Gold iPhone because they know I’m a sucker that craves the lavish lifestyle well mission accomplished I guess. Way to go. I mean yeah, it’s probably the exact same iPhone that I own right now but mine isn’t Gold and that makes me feel poor and there is nothing worse than being poor, nothing. So done. Sold. Good work Apple. You beat me, and honestly I don’t care. You figured out the perfect phone for Black people and superficial bloggers who are trying to compensate for their below average penis size. Hats off.

Oh and for anyone who says owning the Gold iPhone isn’t very common man I disagree. This is exactly what being a common man is. Owning shit that is way beyond your budget, eating peanut butter and jelly everyday so you can gamble and have a gold iPhone. There is nothing more common man than poor money management and guess what, no one mismanages their money more than I do, my snow cone maker, nerf gun, and monopoly tie being perfect examples.

PS

Gold iPhone announcement today was clearly not a coincidence after last night.