Pokemon Porn Searches Skyrocket To Number 1 On xHamster
Death and Taxes – Pokémon Go is good for the Pokémon porn industry. According to Alex Hawkins, a spokesman for the porn viewing website xHamster.com, Pokémon Go users are expressing their love for the game through their masturbation habits. “In the last five days we have seen a giant shift in porn searches. Our top searches, which usually consist of ‘MILF,’ ‘Teen,’ and ‘Interracial’ have been replaced with ‘Pokemon,’ ‘Pikachu,’ ‘Hentai,’ and ‘Anime,’” Hawkins wrote in a press release. Anime has become xHamster’s number one accessed porn genre over the weekend. While Pokémon Go was undoubtedly a culprit for the lack of sex some users experienced this weekend, due to blowing off date night to catch an Arcanine chilling on a park bench, lonely users retreated to their computers with nerd penises erect and Pokémon on the mind. Search results for “Pokémon” on xHamster.com reveal a variety of viewing pleasures, from sexed-up bodacious Pokémons themselves to anime trainers taking out some post-game stress in videos with titles such as “When you lose a Pokémon battle.” For those more interested in jerking it to humans than cartoons, there are also Pokémon cosplay upskirt scenes available.
This might be the worst fallout yet. I can deal with the people getting beaten and robbed. I can deal with the guy who was stabbed. I dont care about the girl who found the dead body. People are gonna walk into the middle of the street, bump into shit. Someone is gonna lose their job over their Pokemon obsession. I dont care about any of those people. All Pokemon Go fans can die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.
But this shit is unacceptable. I cant live in a society thats shifting towards anime porn. I know that its mostly the Asians that are into that type of porn and its mostly Asians playing Pokemon and thats more likely the correlation. But thats the point. Anime porn and hentai porn with tentacles and monster rape and shit is the weirdest of the weird. And the day that our entire society starts trending that direction fucking overnight is the day I got a problem with the latest craze. If there’s even one single Westerner out there thinking “You know that Pikachu really got me going today, let me see what else I can find…” If theres a single solitary white person saying “Well I really like this Pokemon stuff so maybe I’ll like that Japanese cosplay too…” then I have to speak up. If I open up Porn Hub and xHamster and the flood of standard “Step-siblings” porn is wiped off the front page for Pokemon fucking each other, I cant stand their in silence. You can kill stupid people and murder each other in the streets, but the minute something starts messing with my porn, we got a problem. #PornLifeMatters.