Earlier today Davey “New Rich” Portnoy wrote a blog besmirching the good name of Above Ground Pools. Dave gets a house somewhere in the woods of Nantucket with a pool and acts like hes the only person to ever swim in a summer house.
Now listen, I’m not delusional. I know Above Ground Pools are white trash. I even said so when chiming in with PMT, which is how this all started:
I know they are WT. I know its trailer park shit. Nobody in their right mind thinks that an Above Ground Pool looks nicer than in ground. Nobody thinks they are more luxurious than in ground. My family had them when we were sorta poor in the Bronx and then we got in ground pools when we were sorta rich in the burbs. I’m not an animal, I understand it.
But plain and simple the nostalgia and the memories associated with an Above Ground Pool is better than lounging around in an in ground pool. Dont get me wrong, in your adult life an in ground pool is magnificent. Pool parties and drinks pool side. Maybe you get a hot tub attached or like a grotto or something. All that bougie shit is amazing. But that pales in comparison to a childhood of above ground pools. First and foremost, like I said in my tweet, the whirlpool:
Making a whirlpool top 5 fun things to do in any pool, anywhere. Maybe number 1. Going underwater and behind the ladder? Cant do that in a square in ground pool. Also cant do it if you dont have any friends (ahem, Dave.) And the main reason you cant do it is because there is no deep end in AGPs. Which leads me to:
While this can be played with any pool, these games are far superior in an Above Ground Pool where you have uniform depth from wall to wall.
Making a wave pool as well. You can do rough waves in any pool but within the circular confines of an above ground pool you might be able to actually drown one of your friends. Rough waves were the best when you almost died.
What else is better about above ground nostalgia? Oh, I dunno, maybe THIS THING:
The floating chlorine house thing?? Shooting that in the air like it was a basketball? Plunging it under water and then lifting it up and letting all the water drain out the sides. Sometimes I’d hold that thing directly above my head and let HIGHLY chlorinated water rain down on me. (Quick aside – I used to love testing the pH levels in those little plastic tubes and shaking them up until they changed colors.)
You know what else I loved about those pools? The chance you’d always break your neck while diving since they were so shallow. Your mother always SCREAMING every time you went head first. Little bit of danger always upped the ante. So did constantly getting splinters running and jumping off the white trash deck that surrounded your white trash pool. And the best part of all is your toes being ripped to SHIT from basketball because of the bottom that was for some reason all rubbery and not smooth at all.
All that stuff counts too. Because Above Ground Pools build character. Reminds you of your days when things werent so great. I mean dont get me wrong still great enough that you a white family with a pool in your backyard but maybe not great enough that you had that bougie fancy pool. Not like I was playing in the fire hydrant for fucks sake. But its like how I can eat filet mignon and cream spinach but still fondly love London Broil and Mac and Cheese because I had that for dinner 10 nights a week growing up. Its like how I know Ocean Spray canned cranberry is actually disgusting but its a Top 5 Thanksgiving dish because without that jelly cylinder on the table, the holiday wasnt complete. Some of us here at Barstool remember where we come from. Its angel hair and Pinot Grigio for some people but I, for one, can remember the good old days. And nothing symbolized the good old days growing up better than above ground pools.
In ground pools are the best for a lot of other reasons. Marco Polo is better on in ground because you can do a lot more Fish Out Of Water stuff. In ground is better for running/jumping/diving. Also better for running jumping and catching the football. Another quick side note – I know a dude who claims he invented that game. Says he was the first person ever to play that game. In ground is better for diving for pennies in the deep end since it has a deep end in general. Going all the way to the bottom and letting your brain explode is classic.
But the white trash fun of Above Ground Pools is better than all that stuff in my eyes. Sometimes you gotta get your Trailer Park on.