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I Have Never Hated Anything As Much As Pokemon Go

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This is it, folks. I’ve been on this earth hatin for 31 years and this is the one. This is my least favorite thing ever. Its not Lena Dunham. Its not hipsters.

Its Pokemon go.

So this is it. This is the hill I die on. This is my Alamo. Clem and I are Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid in Bolivia. I am Clint Eastwood sitting on my front porch in Gran Torino with the shotgun. Get your “Old Man Yells At Cloud” meme ready. Are clouds playing Pokemon Go? Then fuck them too!

This is the scene in Central Park:

If you take one look at that and it looks like something you’d enjoy, I dont want to know you as a person. Get the fuck off my planet. A bunch of strangers all outside walking aimlessly coming together in the same spot. No thanks. The only time I’ll ever go somewhere with big crowds and strangers is a bar but thats all under the lure of booze and possible sex. I certainly dont wanna go outdoors and walk around with the goal being to end up in a spot with a bunch of Asians.

This is not what video games are about. This is not how its meant to be. I was born in 1985. Right smack in the middle of the Nintendo explosion. I’ve seen video games go from 8 bit to 64 to goddam virtual, augmented reality now. I’ve seen it go from cartridges to CDs to whatever those fucking tiny ass discs on Gamecube was to downloads on your phone. Ive gone from an A and B Button to and L and R button to a Z button to triangle squares and circles. From buttons to a Nintendo Wii Wand. I played Snake on my friend’s Nokia (because you know I had that Nextel fire) and I played Tunnel on my TI-83 calculator in Pre-Calc. So dont come to me acting like I dont know what the fuck I’m talking about when it comes to video games. Dont tell me I dont understand. I understand. I fucking get it. My problem is that this is not what video games are meant to be. Walking around outside and being around other people and all that other shit is NOT why you play video games.

It began with Nintendo Wii with all the physical activity. Remember that shit used to tell you to go outside for a walk? FUCK that. Now its reached the breaking point where you have to go outside for a fucking walk just to play your game. A walk? A fucking “walk?” The most primitive of all entertainment. Back in the day when the world sucked you would “go outside” and “take a walk” just to look at shit. Then TV came along and you could just sit there and be still and enjoy entertainment and then video games took it to the next level. With just 2 fingers you could murder bad guys and fly planes and race cars and all that sort of shit. THAT is what video games are about. Playing violent games in a dark room until your eyes start to bleed. Getting high as shit in high school and playing Zelda until you didnt know what goddam day it was. That was the beauty of video games. Basketball practice was cancelled lets go play GTA. You wanna go to that party? Hang out with people? Talk to girls? Nah, lets play WCW vs nWo all night long.

Dont even get me started on Goldeneye and Mario Kart battles. Thats where you proved yourself on the video game battle grounds. It wasnt about how many Pokemon you ran around town catching. It was about whether you could trick someone to walk into your proximity mine. It was about if you knew how to intentionally jump off the track on rainbow road and save like 4 minutes off your time. But not the nerds today. Nerds today make nerds of yesterday look like fucking rock stars. Like I know I’m a nerd but never in a million years would I be nerdy enough to get off the couch to go play in augmented reality. And I CERTAINLY wouldnt walk around arguing that I was being cool as I run into a thousand Asian kids all in the same place looking for Japanimation creatures. Have some self awareness for me one time, New Nerds.

In the coming days we’ll hear about all the Pokemon Go related crime and death. Someone will walk into the street trying to catch one and they’ll be dead. You know what would never happen to me while collecting 120 Stars in Mario 64? That. I’d never get hit by a bus because I’d be inside in the air conditioning eating a snack playing one of the best video games of all time. Some Asian is gonna chop his own hands off soon because of the Pokemon addiction. Nobody in my day did that. We played the Water Temple until our fingers fell off naturally. Someone will definitely murder another person to steal their phone or something. My grandmother almost killed someone in the Toys R Us off of Central Ave trying to get Nintendo 64 when it came out but thats about it. But I, for one, cant wait. I cant wait for the death and destruction of all you Pokemon Go losers. I hate you more than the Yankees. I hate you more than Dave. I hate you. I dont even know you, and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you.

PS – See how much fun you have when your mom finally kicks you off your Family Plan because that shit is eating up too much data. Geolocation like a motherfucker. Now you gotta pay your own phone bill, loser.