Ombudsman: The World Sucks Today So Let's Just Not Talk About It

Good morning and welcome back to another Friday edition of the Ombudsman column. All things considered its been a really terrible week in the world with the notable exception of the fact that everyone who is reading this is alive and healthy enough to log online. (If your a ghost, there’s the door.) Weeks like this make you really sit back and think about a wide variety of topics, most of which have very little to do with sports, and nearly all of which have absoluteley nothing to do with sports blogs. So all of that being said, I don’t really have a controversy to address here and anything I could whip up would be so inconsequncial that you all would see through it. Luckily for me I got a bunch of emails this week from you guys & gals so I’ll just hop into the old inbox and dig in. If you have a question you’d like to see addressed here please email BarstoolOmbudsman@Gmail.com

Not sure if this is better for the MMBM or the Friday column? But was thinking today that the NFL should have a purge day, or more accurately a hall pass day.

Letting the players blow off some steam would be healthy for everyone. Think how much time the league would save if they didn’t have to investigate that many offenses? Obviously they can’t change the laws, they aren’t an SEC school, but they just don’t have to follow up on the complaints.

 

Only rules, maybe no tampering with game equipment- *Aaron Rodgers*. Can you get a whole cycle of steroids in one day? Maybe limit it to one city? So civilians can clear out. If you’re in the substance abuse program, you only get 4 hours. Maybe float this to the league, save them millions on private investigations.

 

John

Dear Ombudsman,

 

The State of Pizza is under attack. All over my city, Los Angeles (sucks, I know), there’s Blaze PIzza’s, Pieology, Mod Pizzas and the sort popping up. If your unfamiliar with these places, its basically a Subway for pizza. You choose your ingredients from a deli cabinet like they have at Subway, they throw it on a paper thin dough, and toss it in the wood oven for a couple minutes and bango, there’s your pizza. Efficient, effective yet devoid of any heart and soul. (Obviously key ingredients to any pizza).

 

Couple issues I have with this:

A) They are slandering the name of wood fired pizza, formerly exclusive to pizza eaters with more artisanal taste.

B) They’re ruining the once commonly accepted standard of “thin crust.” This is cracker-esque.

 

I’m a thin crust guy, always have been. So when I first walked into these places, you could imagine how stoked/skeptical I was. What I was given was nothing more than the gourmet triscuits I usually build for the Super Bowl. (Triscuit, tom sauce, mozzy, pep, 5 mins on broil). While I love this snack, it’s not a fucking pizza. And now I’m in a weird place. Am I still a thin crust guy? And I a mid crust guy?

 

What direction are we going in? If I tell people I’m a thin-crust guy now, do they think I’m on board with this Blaze Pizza nonsense? Did LeBron ruin thin crust? I fear we are going down a dark path that ultimately leads to the full McDonaldization of Pizza. This is an industry trend that needs the attention of the Ombudsman.

 

Viva,

 

Concerned Pizza Guy

This is a problem with the world as a whole and its just now making its way into Pizza culture. Its known less as the McDonaldization, and more as the Chipotlefication of America. This may sound like sacrilige to a lot of you out there but I’m here to tell the truth and if you dont like it theres the door.

Chipotle got famous for serving a inferior burrito that is 75% filler just because they had more locations then anyone else. Its the Bank of America effect. If you just have enough locations that look similar enough, and are located in and around enough office parks, people will go there out of habit no matter how much diarreah it gives you. Burritos, Banks, and yes- sports blogs- can be distilled down into a equation that guarentees success. These places suck, but then on the other hand the alternative is to become a nation that cares way too disproportiantly much about the quality of pizza and next thing you know we’re basically Italy and we end up doing dumb shit like siding with Hitler because we were too concern with the lemony-ness of that years basil crops to be bothered to research what his agenda was.

You need to strike a nice medium in between not caring way too much and basically just asking your lunch restaraunts to shovel pre-chewed pizza into your gullet with a ladle. This neutral ground requires you to have some people who care so much about pizza that they go out of there way to make videos of them sampling and rating various slices everywhere they go like some damn lunatic, and then you need guys who care so little about how food tastes that they consider the peak of their athletic career to be shoveling 12 waterlogged hotdogs and buns into there mouths on national TV. Only then can you have the perfect balance necessary to maintain the correct level of food appreciation.

PFT when is the “no pressure no diamonds” gear coming on sale?

Great question. Whats the point of owning a trademark if I’m not making any money off it. We are going to be launching a bunch of Pardon My Take gear soon including some “No Pressure, No Diamonds” shirts, a actual car stick, and Harambe-inspired formal wear. In the meantime if you see someone using the phrase “no pressure no diamonds” please send them this on our behalf:

 Suhhh dude,

 

 

I love going to social media outlets for a good laugh or for some news, but it seems like all the girls I know, that I totally talk to and hang out with sometimes, have become aspiring Instagram models and social media celebrities who feel the need to ambush me with their sexiness and their food consumption and their inspirational quotes.  I’ve talked it over with some of my white male heterosexual friends and we just don’t think that this pursuit of likes and comments and happy faces, along with the egotistical mentality that of course everyone cares what I ate for lunch, fosters the necessary grit building that this country needs.  Do you share the concern that this look at me social media culture has hindered the growth of grit in the youth of America?

 

Also, isn’t this all JJ Watt’s fault?  I mean, he’s basically teaching the kids out there that everything you do should be documented and shared with the world and there’s no problem that the right music lyrics quote or flipped tire or Instagram filter can make go away.  Uhh hey JJ, there’s kids out there who are getting a false sense of worth and developing me-centric personalities and you’re just going to let them keep lying to themselves until they get overtaken by their grittier peers?

 

- Jimi

Hey first of all a quick joke for you to lighten the mood. Whats the difference between Jimi and Harambe/Osama Bin Laden?

Only one of them has two i’s.

To answer your question, the instagramification of America has turned America into a land of instant gratification. It use to be if you wanted people to see picutres of you wearing a bikini you had to at least have a friend to take the picture for you. Then you had to get it developed and then 3 days later you had to mail it then three days later it arrived at your friends house and then they had to take 30 mins to write you a letter saying “hey sweetie how about one of the feet ;)” and then that would take another 3 days to get back. It was a terribly ineffecent way to be sexually harassed.

The mail was like a 3 day waiting period for gun purchases where it made it a little bit harder to annoy a stranger. You had to be really comitted to it. So on one hand that had the effect of reducing these unwanted advances but on the other, the internet has made women grittier since they have to be more vigilant for creeps.

But yes I generally agree with your premise that anytime someone posts something to make themselves feel good, they are actually making society worse. When I eventualy have sex and my wife gives birth to the child that I created, I’m going to raise that thing to only post pictures online of them right after they wake up, them on the toilet, them in the middle of a arduous workout, etc. That way all of their friends will be pleasantly surprised with how they look in real life as compared to there online image. Underpromising and overdelivering is the key to success in any field.

Ombudsman,

I’m a big Kevin Durant fan but I’m an even bigger Chesapeake Energy fan, so you can imagine how distraught I am at the events of this past week.  Kevin Durant is basically an employee of Chesapeake Energy the way I see it, and for KD to sour their good name and reputation is very disheartening.  If I can’t trust a company loaded with integrity like Chesapeake Energy, than who can I trust?

Its truly disgusting the way these superstars are acting and I wouldnt be suprised if naming rights to arenas start becoming harder and harder to sell once these large businesses start to realize that their brand would be associated with individuals who only care about making money. I called this all the way back when Dwight Howard left the Magic and sullied Amways good name forever.

By the way here’s a million dollar idea- start a brand new company and name it “Memorial Stadium,” and then you instantly have like four thousand stadiums across the country named after you giving you free promotion. That one’s a freebie to any entrepenuers out there.