PA – One-armed Pennsylvania man is accused of slashing his brother-in-law’s face with a samurai sword in a fight over marijuana. Police said Todd Clark, the wannabe swordsman, turned the blade on his brother-in-law on Thursday at about 12:30 a.m., after Bill Garey and Clark’s sister Amelia Garey told him not to smoke pot because there were children in the home. “Todd, who is disabled, said, ‘If I can’t have it, I’ll kill myself,’” Bill remembered the phony one-armed samurai saying. As Clark’s sister turns away, the suspect smacked her head with a cane, causing Bill to jump in and punch the weed-loving man in the face, he told KDKA. According to the police report, Clark then went to grab a samurai sword from behind his bed and told Bill, “bring it on.” Police said Clark swung the blade and hit Bill across the nose, leaving a gash across his face. “All I felt was like a crack. I thought he hit me with a cane, the same thing he hit her with,” Bill told WTAE. “I was covered in blood, and they told me, ‘no, it was a sword.’”
And there you have it. Family life in the PA sticks shooting par for the course. Good on the brother-in-law for taking it all in stride after Richard Kimble’s killer sliced his face wide open. That would be a death sentence under most people’s roofs. Speaking of which, call me old fashioned, but when you’re middle aged and bumming in your sisters basement, it’s the polite thing to not smoke dope if they ask you not to toke up around her kids. And it’s especially not being a good guest to hit said sister than take a Samurai Sword to her husband like you’re freaking Bruce Willis escaping rape in Pulp Fiction. Actually, if you can afford to buy a Samurai Sword direct from the home shopping network on a whim, you probably can afford to move out of your sibling’s shack into your own place. For some reason I don’t think rent is exactly San Francisco prices in those parts. It’s time to grow up, save some of that disability money, and buy your very own shanty.