Everyone Is Beating The Shit Out Of Each Other At Euro 2016

Seems like a hell of a time over there in France/on the set of Green Street Hooligans 2. Head out with the boys, grab a few dozen beers, bash everyone you see over the head with a chair, you know, standard sports stuff.

When a country gets something like the Euros do they have to designate one or more plazas for fighting? That’s not even really a joke. You know how you need a certain amount of hotel rooms and parking spaces and clubs and seats to get the Super Bowl? Do you need all that plus a fighting plaza in order to be awarded the Euros? Because that place is a goddamned war zone. I can’t imagine families and kids are just walking around. I remember going to football games with my dad as a child and he’d kind of shield me if we happened to walk past a belligerent tailgate of people getting rowdy, but it’s tough to shield a kid from 100s of drunk hooligans throwing chairs and lighting flares (t-shirt!).

My favorite part of all this is the Russian official response, however. Because it’s exactly what you expected it to be. They’re proud of their hooligans for defending the motherland and maybe if the French police hadn’t become such pussies dealing with all the gay parade stuff, they’d still be able to handle a soccer riot or ten. That’s not a joke, by the way. It’s literally what they said.

Gotta love Russia. They’re the world’s drunk uncle: they’re all shaped like your uncle who just does bench five days a week and doesn’t concern himself with dieting, they think being around gay people makes someone weak, and they’re always trying to wrestle. But, for some reason, they still make us laugh even if just a tiny bit of that laugh is to hide our fear.

PS – If you’re wondering what I’d be doing if I were at Euro 2016, it’s this. I think the kids call it a “spirit animal,” but this dude is my spirit hooligan.

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Fuck a fight, fuck a chair throwing match, I’m gonna take my nice, full beer and get out of here.